Rob's News

HEADLINE: DICK CHENEY HAS A HEART (attack)!

2010-02-23T19:16:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, when I received word that the former Secretary of Defense and U.S. Congressman from Wyoming was complaining of chest pains I thought that it was possible that he would finally shut the hell up and go either into a full retirement or maybe even into the Great Beyond. I was wrong.

HEADLINE: Dick Cheney Has a Heart (attack)!

I know it's a matter of public record that this is not the first time, and that by extension it stands to reason that he does have a heart. It's a conscience that he lacks. This pillar of the Military Industrial Complex. I have on many occasions publicly stated that this man is a war profiteer who, when he was part of the previous administration, drummed up a war to make a profit off of. I have also publicly stated that I firmly believe that the previous administration supposedly headed up by the former Governor of Texas seized power in a bloodless coup, and retained power by rigging the election of 2004. I know that many patriotic Americans feel the same way.

I also know that many Americans who feel that they are patriots as well feel that the previous administration was in place legally. Convincing arguments can be made for both points of view, but the Republicans are wrong.

If the U.S. election of 2000 happened in a banana republic in the Caribbean, we would have not recognized it and sent in the Marines.

Imagine the only district that is contested that also puts a man in power is governed by that man's younger brother. Continue with the fact that the country's Supreme Court, a body who's function is to define the murkier aspects of law, and that those precedents are to be law for time immemorial, and that in this case, and only this case, their ruling is a one-time deal. Add to that, five of the nine members of the Supreme Court were installed by the family and political allies of the man running for office. You can bet the Marines would be entering that country within a few weeks. It's been done before.

Imagine once again, that this regime was allowed to remain, but was put on a watch list as a nation that engaged in military adventurism, and that their next election was also contested. In this case, the province that swung another extremely close election, had among its residents a well-heeled businessman who's business it was to manufacture and program voting machines, and that this businessman was repeatedly on the record that he would do whatever he could to keep the reigning regime in power. Not only that, but that within his province the only place that had problems with his product was in districts that heavily favored the opposition. You can bet the Marines would go in then.

I think it's easy to see where I'm going with this.

And now, because he had his fifth heart attack the human side of me is supposed to feel sorry, to give him some slack. This man who has embraced torture, this man who has spent his life making a great deal of money as a businessman who profits off of war and unrest, and while acting as Vice President in a questionable regime helped award no-bid contracts to a company he used to run and has a huge amount of stock in.

I don't feel sorry. It was a 'minor episode' and he was filled with cheer, having lunch and talking with his family and friends. He's fine. He's living to endorse torture another day.

And Now, A Word for the Dogs

2010-02-16T13:06:00.003-05:00

Last night I watched the first night of the 134th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Today, I read about what I saw in the New York Times. The groups judged last night were the hound group, the toy group, the non-sporting group and the herding group.

The Times writer talked about the waiting the dogs must endure while the judge makes his or her final decision about who best represents each breed, and in turn who best represents each breed group. Times sports writer Richard Sandomir judged the hounds as the most impish and playful while passing the time (he called them mischievous). I can attest to the impishness of hounds. As readers of this space know, I have a Black and Tan Coonhound. Walt Disney owned several Black and Tans, and Goofy and Pluto are reportedly based on Coonhounds. Ours is far outside of breed standard and a rescue. If she had been whelped by a show bitch she would have most likely been put down as being a horrid mutant. Her ears are too short. She has a white spot on her chest. These types of imperfections are a death sentence with a large number of breeders, constantly seeking the uber-hound.

I have never bought a purebred dog from a breeder. From my first dog, adopted when I was eight years old, all have come from neighbors with unintended litters, city pounds and rescue organizations. I even took in a stray from a Los Angeles street once, a Scottish Terrier. I was unable to provide him a home, but I was able to get him from the street to a non-kill shelter, surely a better end than under a car or in the belly of a mountain lion.

The winner of the toy group was, as frequently the case, a toy poodle with an embarrassing haircut. I have no doubt that this purse ornament will either be best in show or take second place. As I learned from the announcers last night, in the previous 133 years of this tournament one dog from the herding group has won best in show, and four hounds. Surely over a 133-year period more than four hounds and one herder deserved the top title. To be fair, originally there were only two groups, sporting and non-sporting. In 1924 the two main groups were expanded to five: Sporting, Working, Terrier, Toy, and Non-Sporting. Still that's a whole lot of years where the Best in Show was some fru-fru purse ornament and not a big, lovable hound or shepherd. A few years ago I was overjoyed when Josh, a Newfoundland, won the big prize.

Last year, a Sussex Spaniel (sporting group) won best in show. The Sussex was quite possibly the oldest winner ever, taking the crown at the ripe old age of ten. This dog has been entered in Westminster several times, as I have been informed by a dog walker I know who has walked dogs directly related to this dog. So why was the Sussex best last year when in previous years did not make it to the final night? The walker told me that the judge assigned to the final slot was friends with the breeder who produced the prize winning Sussex. I do not know this as a sure fact, but if it were true, I would not be surprised. Dog shows are subjectively judged, like Olympic gymnastics, figure skating and diving. It is not a race. There is no clock, no sure winner.

The judges themselves looked like characters in "Best in Show," the hilarious film by the group that brought us "Waiting for Guffman," "A Mighty Wind," and "For Your Consideration." When one of the judges was introduced I said to my wife- "Look- it's Jane Lynch twenty years from now!" The men wore tuxedos and the women wore horrifyingly garish glitter-covered tents.

One thing is highly likely. The winning hound, a beautiful brindled whippet, will not take best in show. That will, once again, go to the toy poodle or maybe a terrier who stopped at a make-up trailer.

Work In Progress

2010-01-21T21:08:00.002-05:00

Readers of this site, please be patient. New material is being worked on for the short fiction blog, laughingly called "story of the week" at my home website, which should be more accurately called "Short Fiction."

New topical postings will be here soon. Sorry for the delay.

Republicans, the TSA, and Terrorists

2010-01-04T20:30:00.004-05:00

I don't think I can go another day without commenting in print on the Christmas Day incident on the flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. I have commented numerous times in conversations among friends and coworkers.

Much has already been written and discussed on the various subjects surrounding this incident. The son of privilege becoming radicalized. His education in extremist mosques in London and Yemen. His father reporting his activities to authorities, and the information being mishandled. A security clampdown being instituted both domestically and in some foreign airports. I cannot add anything to this part of the story.

A couple of other parts of the story that are not being discussed much: Holes in the system of international airport security and passenger screening. Republican Obama-bashing on things he has no control over, and they know it, but they bash anyway.

I'll start with Representative Peter King (R, NY). In a matter of hours after the incident had been successfully resolved with no injuries (other than the burned crotch of the would-be attacker), Congressman King was on the air saying that this was the greatest terrorist incident in history (right- a failed incident was bigger than the attacks on the U.S.S. Cole, the Beirut Marine Barracks, 9/11, and Pearl Harbor). When pinned down that nothing had happened he said 'it could have been the greatest terrorist incident in history!' Again, I mention the above list of actual incidents that were far worse than this one that was a failure. He also said that the incident was all the fault of President Obama, and that he does not take Al Queda, and terrorist threats in general, seriously. Right. President Obama is a babe in the woods who cannot comprehend the actions and motives of an organization that the U.S. has been fighting for a decade. Congressman King needs to have reality explained to him.

Dick Cheney went further, stating that President Obama was "pretending we were not at war." Right. That's why he's sending tens of thousands of troops to Afghanistan. I am not in favor of this, but my disagreement with my president on this subject has not driven me to lie about him or his perceptions.

A surrogate of Cheney's was on MSNBC that week, on "Hardball with Chris Matthews," stating Mr. Cheney's talking point. I say point because all he seemed to be able to say, repeatedly, was that this was an attack by an Islamic fanatic on Christmas. He repeated "Islamic fanatic" and "on Christmas" in the same sentence about a dozen times. At that point the two became two separate two word sentences nearly barked. "Islamic Fanatic! Islamic Fanatic! On Christmas! Islamic Fanatic! On Christmas! On Christmas! Islamic Fanatic! Christmas! Fanatic! Islamic Christmas! On Fanatic! It was at this point he ran the two together into an incomprehensible jumble of syllables.

The Cheney surrogate then went on to state with the certainty of a carnival act mind reader that the terrorist's personal aim was to forever tie Christmas to Islamic terror. He did not once mention the fact that it was an act as impotent as a centenarian who's birthday is celebrated by Willard Scott on the "Today" show.

The Republican Party has become a hate-mongering cartoon, and has surrendered its right to lead. They will take anything and twist it into an anti-Obama and anti-Democrat diatribe. This is not a debate about how to make the United States a better country. It is entirely about race. President Obama has shown himself to be as centrist as President Clinton. The Republicans hate President Clinton because of identity theft. He co-opted the middle of the road planks of the Republican platform and made them his own, marginalizing most of the Republican party to the radical right. The Republicans then have been gleefully racing farther and farther right ever since. Now, there is a president in the White House that is willing to work with them, and continually tries to (for reasons I cannot fathom), and they continue to do whatever they can to knock him down. He's willing to do half of what they want, but it's not enough. Why? We all know why. He's half black and has an African-Islamic name.

The Republicans have people to point to in order to blunt this motive. Some of my co-workers have a familial name for these guys. Uncle Tom. As Bill Maher recently and eloquently stated: "Not all Republicans are racist, but, if you're a racist, you're probably a Republican." Too true.

Now to increased airport security. Nine years ago I was working on a show that employed the Romanian Gymnasts, and had me flying all over the U.S. We put the show up in Florida. In the Orlando airport, after going though security, we ended up in a large food court with some souvenir shops. The souvenir shops all sold pocket knives. We pointed this out to a policeman, who told us to mind our own business. Since it was Florida I suppose we should be glad the souvenir shops weren't selling guns.

I know that this loophole was closed after 9/11, but here's a few that haven't: Passengers connecting from other flights. Like this guy on Christmas. He started his journey in Africa at a low security airport. Once he was through, he was home free. Security at Amsterdam, and at all other airports, do not re-screen passengers who have already been through a screening process, even if that process began in an airport who's cat scan machine is a guy waving a cat over the luggage. Once that luggage has been determined to not contain mice or fish, the passenger is approved for flight. The TSA and the Republican loudmouths for the first several days of Obama-bashing failed to mention that fact. They also failed to mention that Mohammad Atta used this same method on 9/11, starting in at the time low-security Portland, ME and connecting in Boston, where he was not re-screened before boarding the flight to San Francisco.

Here's something else- the TSA has already announced that the increased security is temporary. Brilliant. Maybe you should tell the enemy the stop date while you're at it. They have also spoken about the chemical combination and how there is no known screening process to detect it. This stuff is not odorless, guys. Anything that has an odor, a dog can be trained to find it. You just don't want to go to the expense of training enough dogs and handlers to cover all international airports. The dogs you have are not trained to find that scent. Admit it. Our lives as citizens are worth more to you as martyrs than as voters. One or two planes get knocked out of the sky and you'll get all the funding you want.

One more thing. Even if they are able to secure the airports, the battle will just move to outside the airport. I know this from working in the New York City public schools. I have been in schools that have screening procedures as intense as any airport in the country, yet there is still school violence. It is in the parking lot, in the school yard, or down the block. The kids hide their weapons under corner garbage cans, newspaper vending boxes, parked cars that rarely move, even in flower pots of nearby houses. For years I have predicted that rocket-propelled grenades and shoulder mounted missiles will be employed against passenger planes one day. Ask an ATF agent if any of this stuff is in circulation. Of course it is. The TSA needs to be patrolling airport grounds and access roads as well. Maybe they are, but since our government is well established as a reactive organization rather than a proactive organization, I sadly doubt this.

More Overseas News

2010-01-02T21:51:00.008-05:00

A few short days ago, this reporter penned (or rather tapped a keyboard) a piece about the President of Iran. The reaction to this work as been so extreme that it has become obvious that I should venture into the world of the foreign correspondent. By 'Foreign Correspondent' I am not talking about the excellent 1940 cinematic work of Alfred Hitchcock (though he is without a 'shadow of a doubt' my favorite director since I was 'young and innocent,' prompting me to make the 'thirty-nine steps' from the box office to the balcony of the Granada Theater, which stood 'north by northwest' from my Rogers Park apartment, visible from my 'rear window,' at the slightest hint of a Hitchcock screening that would send me into a 'frenzy'... but that's the subject of another column).

Yes, it's high time this highly profitable venture of mine send me abroad to gather facts on the international scene. In an effort to help out my country in this, its time of need, I'm going to start with Afghanistan.

It has come to my attention that something is happening there. These events have prompted the former Governor of Texas, and now U.S. President Barack Obama, to send uniformed troops to Afghanistan. The president there is a former high level executive of Unocal, the international conglomerate that started as an individual venture known as the Union Oil Company. Mr. Karzai was basically installed as President of Afghanistan by the American administration fronted by the former Governor of Texas, an organization with deep oil company ties.

A little history: Union Oil had a large string of filling stations named Union 76. Union 76 stations were all operated by character actor Richard X. Slattery under the name of 'Murph' and were named Union 76 by Unocal's PR department. They chose the name playing on a bizarre sense of patriotism that many Americans feel when they patronize a business that employs titles and slogans that evoke a subconscious sense of "the real America." I believe the next company to employ this tactic will probably be a reconstructed version of I.G. Farben, which will no doubt have a Bush or two on its board of directors, along with maybe a Mengele and a Goebbels.

Over the last weeks and months, in addition to my work at my other two jobs, I have put in many hours of research on the current situation in Afghanistan. I have a shocking revelation. Hamid Karzai is a puppet. This in and of itself may not be shocking to many readers. The real shocking part is that Hamid Karzai is actually a character being played by acclaimed actor Ben Kingsley. Both my wife and I immediately suspected this the first time we saw Mr. Karzai on CNN, and we have never seen Mr. Karzai and Mr. Kingsley in the same room.

This could explain why earlier today the parliament of Afghanistan rejected nearly all of the cabinet ministers nominated by Mr. Kingsley, I mean President Karzai. How could the parliament have faith in the nomination of say, the Minister of Agriculture in Charge of Poppy Fields or the Minister of Hashish, knowing that these ministers were nominated by an actor. Make no mistake- Mr. Kingsley is a high quality actor, much better than our fortieth president, but an actor none the less. If you want an actor that knows about such ministry positions as the Minister of Poppy Fields and the Minister of Hashish, you need an actor like Dennis Hopper or Gary Busey.

And so, dear readers, this reporter will be closely watching events unfold in central-west Asia. Due to my hectic work schedule and other obligations I will be forced to observe from a bit of a distance, however. There are a few very good Afghan restaurants a couple of blocks from here, and I hear that their bus boys have their fingers on the pulse of all things Afghan. I'll start with a comparative study of tabbouleh.

Dateline: Milton

2009-12-31T20:13:00.004-05:00

In the summer of 1985 I traveled from my native Chicago to someplace in New Jersey to attend my sister's wedding. On the way, I stopped for the night in Milton, Pennsylvania, just off Interstate 80. There were chain motels like Holiday Inn at the side of the interstate, but I wanted to stay in a place that had some local character, so I drove into town. There was a lovely middle-America town square with a tavern that had Genessee Cream Ale on tap. Delish. I'm not kidding. It's not bad. The whole town reeked of down-home folksiness. The motel was nearly half the price of the ones at the side of the interstate, and it was clean and comfortable. I remember the town fondly. Little did I know that the small hamlet would be thrust into the headlines.

Today it was announced that a wanted fugitive has been hiding in Milton. Hiding in plain sight. The fugitive has been living in Milton since 2000, the same year I moved to New York City. Jill Haugen was arrested after she contacted local police stating she did not want to continue caring for her children. Police in Spokane, Washington had an outstanding warrant for her arrest for custodial interference. She took her two sons and bolted from Washington State when custody was awarded to her ex-husband. The warrant has been on the books for eleven years. Her sons are now fifteen and sixteen years old.

So am I reading this wrong? She takes them when they're a cute four and five years old, and once they become teenagers, she'd rather go to jail than raise them. Ms. Haugen's thought process went something like this- Hmmm... raise two teenagers, or go to jail... raise two teenagers, or go to jail... I think I'll pick jail.

As I read further into the article, she claimed child sexual abuse as far back as 1995. So she's claiming the father sexually abused the two sons at the ages of one and two, and Spokane authorities were not able to substantiate any such claim. The father at the time of the accusation offered to do anything the court requested to prove his innocence. The court ended up awarding the father custody.

So I am forced to go back to the previous question- raise two teenagers, or go to jail? Well, Ms. Haugen has chosen jail. Having spent most of the last eight years in New York City public high schools as a teaching artist, I can understand Ms. Haugen's choice.

The Suffering of Anastasia

2009-12-30T21:53:00.010-05:00

"Stop the presses!" Newspapermen would say in my father's day when they had a new story that had to get out in the next edition. I'm not sure what they say now, but it could be something like "Cancel the print command!"

Anastasia is being horribly oppressed. Not the missing heir to the Czar's St. Petersburgh throne. A different, though equally privileged Anastasia. Anastasia Kelly, A.I.G.’s vice chairwoman for legal, human resources, corporate affairs and corporate communications. She's quitting. It seems that after she participated in the crash of the insurance giant and was part of a team of uber-executives that begged, hats in hand, for a government bailout the size of Mt. Everest, she is now angry at the indignity of that same government for enforcing a pay ceiling of a half-million dollars per year. Gee. A half-million dollars per year. She'll have to go on food stamps. She won't be able to afford to put her ass on a gold-plated toilet seat. She may have to walk her own dog and (HORRORS!) retrieve its fecal droppings. I have to say retrieve fecal droppings in the case of such a high level corporate powerhouse. It is we lowly average citizens who, when we exercise our hounds, pick up shit. At least the civic-minded and responsible of us pick up. Maybe if we worked for A.I.G. we would have a legal team who could find an angle to make the government financially compensate us for "waste removal."

Anastasia won't be alone, munching crackers in the dark of her apartment, now that she can't afford to pay her electric bill since she's only making a half-million dollars per year. It seems that Suzanne Folsom, chief compliance and regulatory officer, has departed A.I.G. as well, "to pursue other opportunities." Possibly to assist in the wreckage of another company in exchange for a golden parachute.

Anastasia's severance package has been reported to be $3,800,000. Hell, if someone offered me $3.8 million to go away, my bags would be packed, and packed in a hurry.

The best and the brightest of the corporate giants, who have awarded themselves huge financial compensation packages, have shown their worth by running the world economy into a spiraling chaos at the expense of the rest of us.

I'm honestly surprised that Jacobean mobs have not arisen to drag the cake eaters to the tumbrel, paraded the culprits to a public square, and dusted off the guillotine.

The reason this has not happened, I believe, is at the root of the American Dream. Secretly the angry underclass believe that one day, they too can be awarded a huge payday for ruining a company and putting thousands of people out of work. I believe that there's a course in it at business college, and that the waiting list to take this course is growing.

A New Theater Critic

2009-12-29T23:01:00.003-05:00

Today a well known beacon of culture decided to try out an avocation that he had yet to attempt. This man, renowned throughout the globe as a level-headed voice of reason, has announced to the world that protests against him are "a theater play by the Zionists and the Americans" and that Zionists and Americans have "purchased tickets to this play and are the only audience."

I am speaking of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Mr. Ahmadinejad is already known as a noted historian. He claims to have proof that the Holocaust is fiction. So the death camp that my father stumbled upon with a group of U.S. Army Rangers was actually a figment of his imagination. Yes, according to Mr. Ahmadinejad my father imagined this vision, along with the imaginations of hundreds of other servicemen of the American and Russian armies in dozens of locations throughout Germany, Austria, Poland and Latvia in 1945.

Being both American and a Jew I could take the somewhat paranoid view and believe he's talking directly to me. After all, I have spent most of my adult life in the theater. I am a member of the Theater Development Fund, which entitles me to discount tickets to Broadway and off-Broadway shows. I just checked the website. Mass protests in Tehran are not on the list. I'm guessing that means the protests are selling out and don't need help from TDF.

The protests are timed for an Islamic holy day, and this has inspired the forthright and honest President of Iran to brand those who protest against him as "offenders against the religion."

Spokesmen of various departments of the Iranian government at first denied that protests were in progress. Later the spokesmen amended this to stating that any deaths were not at the hands of state security forces.

Earlier today I saw video from the streets of Tehran where a police vehicle is driving at a high rate of speed into a crowd of people. A woman's body was seen being driven over. The vehicle is seen backing up and driving over the body a second time. So I'm guessing that the Iranian government's spokesman was meaning that it was not the security forces killing the protesters, as much as it was the security forces' vehicles doing the actual damage.

The chief prosecutor said that deaths in the streets of Tehran were caused by people being "struck by hard objects." Car bumpers, for instance. In the case of the woman on the video, softer objects were likely involved as well. Tires.

In addition, the nephew of the leader of the opposition was assassinated on the street in a drive-by shooting. Witnesses said that the man was shot directly in the heart and was dead within seconds. This conflicted with the view of one of the official news outlets in Tehran, which reported that the man died because of a delay in taking him to the hospital, and that he died of blood loss. I'm not an expert, but I have heard that a gunshot wound to the heart does cause blood loss, and that a delay of treatment could bring about the death of the patient. In this case, a delay in treatment of five or ten seconds would have been sufficient to bring about the demise of the poor slob who happened to be related to someone who is vocal in his disagreement with President Ahmadinejad.

As night has fallen, the people of Tehran are currently at intermission. The next act begins tomorrow. I doubt that they are at the concessions stand buying T-shirts and souvenir programs.

2009-12-01T23:42:00.003-05:00

Okay. I've been working seven day weeks, and I've been too tired to write. But I still read the papers with an eye towards something to write about, tired or not. Today, the Times called out to me. The headline: Baltimore's Mayor Is Convicted. How can I pass this up, no matter how tired I am.

It seems that Baltimore's first female mayor, the dynamic Sheila Dixon, up and coming powerhouse of Black politics in the central eastern city that straddles the Mason-Dixon Line, is a sticky fingered politico just like so many others, male and female, black and white. Corruption is as blind as lady justice. Anyone can do it.

As the story goes, a list of well-to-do developers donated a slew of gift cards to places like Target, Old Navy, Toys R Us, and Best Buy to be given to poor families. Somehow a number of these gift cards somehow fell into the hands of Mayor Dixon, who got herself a Play Station 2, a digital video camera, CDs and DVDs, among other things. Since these gift cards were intended for poor people, news that the privileged mayor skimmed a few for her own use fairly upset many of the Baltimore population. Others found it trivial and not worth prosecuting. Still more found the prosecution politically motivated, since the prosecutor is a white Republican and the mayor is a black Democrat.

Still, it is hard for this writer to excuse the mayor on just about any level. She also gave some of the gift cards to a lobbyist who earns a half-million annually. The lobbyist treated himself to a Nintendo Wii. The mayor and the lobbyist hardly need the gift cards, the Play Station 2, the Wii, or the digital video recorder. What they do need is jail time.

Some out there in cyber-land may feel that as a white middle class middle aged male I have no business slamming Mayor Dixon. Yes, I'm white, male, middle aged and middle class. I'm not slamming Mayor Dixon for any racial motivation. I'm slamming Mayor Dixon because she has shown herself to be a political hack and a thief. Not just any thief, but someone who steals from the poor. Maybe she should short-change a few blind people while she's at it.

The Seven Day Work Week

2009-11-29T14:25:00.002-05:00

I know I've said this in the past. I have two jobs. Since the beginning of October I have had, I believe, maybe three or four days where I have not had to be at either job. One of those days was my birthday, which I had requested off, and one was Thanksgiving Day, where both places of business were closed. One other day was the day that my beloved pup had emergency surgery, which was a scheduled workday, but where I called out for personal reasons. I would not consider that a day off. Oh, yes, one more that I would not consider a day off- the day I had an epidural series of spinal injections to relieve inflammation of the spinal canal. Again, not a day off.

A brief perusal of the above paragraph should reveal why I frequently write about labor and health care issues. The two topics are close to my heart, soul, and wallet.

Over the last several weeks there have been days when I woke up and was not sure what day it was or where I was supposed to go. The last time I had this situation was a time in my life when I was holding three part time jobs (and still seemed to be behind in the bills). I was much younger and more energetic then.

It's been difficult to find the time and the energy to write, which is why I have gone two weeks without contributing to this site. Still, at one of my positions I am currently working with a man who is doing a one-man show at the age of 85, seven times a week, two of the days he does a matinee and an evening performance. Ninety minutes of stage time storytelling and singing. No intermission. The man is inspiring me to dig in and work harder.

Six years ago, when I had my spinal surgery, I had another man inspire me. The guy who was rock climbing in Utah, fell into a fissure and got pinned between a boulder and a cliff face, and cut off his own arm to free himself, and then walked five miles to get help. I had applied to the New York City International Fringe Festival to do a one-man show long before the surgery was scheduled. I was not sure if my piece would be accepted. A couple of weeks before the surgery I was notified that my show was accepted. I figured that if this guy could cut his own arm off and then walk five miles I could tell an hour's worth of stories eight weeks out from surgery.

And so, I'm working to find the time to continue to write. I need it as much as I need to walk the dog, to keep my blood moving. To stay upright and out of a wheel chair.

The Downtown Music Scene

2009-11-16T23:38:00.006-05:00

During the past two weeks of not writing, I attended two nights of a music festival in a small Greenwich Village nightclub. I had many friends and acquaintances in the line-up, and also several acts that I had never seen or heard of before. A few moments from the two nights got scribbled in my notebook that I keep with me at all times. I am not going to name the musical acts.

People have strong feelings about music. It's all a matter of taste. Some you like, some you don't care about, some you don't like, some evokes a visceral feeling of revulsion. What follows are notes from three moments in time, one of which is a reconstructed conversation fragment about a musical act that was not on the bill, but has a hit tune that I can't seem to get away from, since it is on the piped in music in a large number of stores and workplaces that I frequent.

Moment #1: I have seen a band that made me consider a positive aspect of being arrested for public urination.

Moment #2 (While watching someone on the bill): Some say this guy is the poor man's Neil Young. I'd go further. He's the destitute homeless guy's Neil Young. Not just any destitute homeless guy- the one that approaches you when you're in your car stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic who spits on your windshield and smears it with his filthy sleeve while talking to his invisible friends, and then makes an impassioned request for the cigarette butts in your ashtray. He's that guy's Neil Young.

A fragment of The Conversation (not to be confused by the film of the same name starring Gene Hackman). Prologue:

There's a hit song being played on a lot of store's music systems, and even my favorite radio station from Chicago that I listen to via the internet, WXRT. This is a love song to a woman named Delilah that sounds like a funeral dirge. The guy singing about his undying love for this woman Delilah sounds like he's about to open his wrists. I've met some women who find this song touching, and other women who find it beyond annoying. I'm with them.

If I were a woman and a guy sang this song to me as his statement of undying love, I'd kick him in his nonexistent balls and dump him.

I expressed this feeling to someone who likes the song, a female friend.

"How could you not like it?" She said.
"It's not that I don't like it, I flat out hate it."
"Well, I like it. It's sweet."
"It's a dirge."
"No it isn't. And the tune is catching."
"So is malaria."

The Past Two Weeks

2009-11-16T22:44:00.008-05:00

As I have written recently, my life is packed full. I am working two jobs. My pet and personal assistant had emergency surgery to remove a blockage in her intestine which turned out to be malignant. Last, but hardly least, my slowly degenerating spine is acting up.

Earlier today, I had an epidural series. This is when I get to lie on a table with my drawers dropped, directly under a device that makes x-ray video disks, with which one of my doctors and an assistant views my innards in real time so that they may guide injections of a powerful anti-inflammation drug directly into my spinal canal. As uncomfortable as that may sound, take my word for it, it's worse. I am a veteran of these treatments, and some others just as bad.

My back problems started many years ago, not long after being hit by a car while crossing the street in downtown Chicago, at the famous intersection of Wacker and Wabash, by the courtesy limousine of the Cafe Bohemia. It seemed that the gradual angle of the turn from northbound Wabash to eastbound Wacker allowed the limo driver, no doubt running late for a pickup, to make the turn without slowing down much, and without looking to see if anyone was in the crosswalk at 5:30pm on a Monday. After all, how likely was it that someone would be crossing with the traffic light in the middle of rush hour in a district where almost half of the population of the second largest city in the United States' worked and shopped? According to the driver, my sudden, momentary presence on the hood of his car, against his windshield, and then laying in the street next to the driver's side rear passenger door was a total shock. Imagine how I felt.

Years of doing heavy labor along with bus and van touring in various jobs added to the mess that is my current damaged back and neck.

After the procedure today I was standing at the desk in the Spine Institute of Beth Israel Medical Center where one pays co-payments and makes future appointments. An older man was standing next to me holding a large envelope of films that I recognized from its size as either an MRI or a CT scan. I put my chart on the counter top. He glanced at my chart, which was topped by two freeze-framed moments printed out from my latest video. In high-contrast black & white was an image of my vertebrae and pelvic bones, along with the inserted needles and my spinal hardware, the rods and screws skillfully added six-and-one-half-years ago by two teams of surgeons, also from the Spine Institute. I noticed the man looking at the images. I seized the moment as only a seasoned improviser can. I enthusiastically beamed to the man and the woman who does the scheduling:

"I take GREAT pictures, don't I? The camera LOVES me!"

Hey, I couldn't let the moment pass. I had to get a good laugh.

I'm Back, With a Vengeance

2009-11-03T18:52:00.004-05:00

Sometime it's hard to see the funny in the news. I call your attention to the following item from today's CNN website:

Man, Woman, 2 Youths Dead in Apparent Shooting in North Carolina

Not funny at all. But once one gets into the article...

The story goes on about a house in an upscale neighborhood of Fayetteville. The police answered a call to the address. The police chief's office issued a press release regarding the incident. Four family members, a male and female adult and two juveniles, one male and one female were found dead of gunshot wounds. According to Police Chief Tom Bergamine:

"At this time, there is no reason to suspect foul play; however the investigation remains in its early stages,"

I'd say it's in its early stages. Apparently, gunshot wounds do not immediately indicate foul play in North Carolina. It could be that gunshot wounds do not immediately indicate foul play anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

We'll have to pay close attention to this story to find out exactly when the violent deaths of an entire family does indicate foul play to the Fayetteville Police Department. Just out of curiosity.

2009-10-31T21:12:00.002-04:00

My week was extremely trying, and I hope to end personal news with this posting.

My dear, sweet Black and Tan Coonhound mix survived her emergency surgery and is now home. Yesterday my wife and I were given the bad news, that the blockage in her intestine was malignant. It is called spindle-cell sarcoma. This disease is also in humans. It is an abnormal growth of the soft tissue and can happen just about anywhere in the body.

Torre came home from the vet on Thursday night. Her first day and a half was very tough, but today she seemed to turn a corner. She started eating and seemed just about her old self. We're overjoyed, but in a guarded way. We hope that the surgery got all of the tumor cells, but we know that some may have dispersed on a cellular level that is impossible to trace until it grows again.

She will not live a long life, but now, every day is a bonus. We were told to strongly consider euthanasia on Monday, and she is still with us. Not only that, but she seems almost normal.

I will not go on and on with this subject, and my next posting will be once again topical.

Thank you for your indulgence.

Morning News

2009-10-27T09:13:00.002-04:00

One of the vets at the animal hospital called this morning. Torre has made it through the night pretty well, and is able to walk. She's still very uncomfortable and is being given IV pain killers and fluids. They will attempt giving her solid food later today, and we will be able to visit her this evening.

For us the night was long and empty. Jayne looked from our bed to the sofa where Torre frequently sleeps. She lays on the sofa and looks at us. Last night we looked at the empty space.

During the night I tiptoed into he bathroom, careful not to step on her, where she frequently sleeps. I remembered she wasn't there as I was feeling my way into the bathroom in the dark.

I know that when the end comes we will go through this all over again. It is a future time that I dread, knowing what we're going through now.

Long Hours

2009-10-26T20:54:00.005-04:00

Yesterday our beautiful mixed breed Black & Tan Coonhound begged me to take her out at the usual time for the early evening walk. Jayne and I decided to go on a family walk so that we would be back in time for the Yankees playoff game. Once we got to the corner Torre started to behave strangely. She didn't want to go in any direction. She sat and planted herself, all 90 pounds of her. When she doesn't want to move, I call her the furry anvil.

After a minute or two I was able to get her to cross the street and head towards Madison Square Park, a few blocks away and the location of one of her favorite dog runs. She walked past the lamb gyros cart that she always stops at, operated by a very nice pair of brothers who love her and frequently give her a small piece of chicken. She didn't even look at the cart.

Within a minute of arriving at the dog run she threw up, partially digested food, her breakfast from seven hours earlier. All she did after that was stand still. She did not go to the water bowl. We decided to take her home. On the way back she vomited two more times, no food, just bile. Again she walked past the gyros cart.

We decided not to feed her for obvious reasons. Besides, she wouldn't even take a treat from me, a sure sign of illness. This dog always seems to be hungry. We picked up her water dish as well, counter-intuitive, but standard procedure for a dog that can't keep down food. She went into the bathroom and lay on the tile floor.

Normally when a dog has picked up something off the street that does not agree with her she'll throw up and it'll be done with in a matter of hours. If the problem persists, take the poor pooch to the vet the next morning. This is what we figured. We watched the game, occasionally looking in on her. There was no change.

The Yankees clinched the pennant. After the post-game show Torre got up and walked to the kitchen to her water dish. I thought she was starting to feel better and gave her some water. Within a few minutes she vomited again, all water. This was a bad sign and I knew it. So now it was midnight or so. Jayne and I decided that we'd take Torre to the vet first thing in the morning. I went to the corner and got a couple of Village Voice newspapers to spread on the floor in case she needed to throw up again.

It was at this point that her behavior started to really get strange. She refused to lie down and moved around the apartment. One step at a time. She'd take one step and stand, staring blankly, for a minute or so before taking a next step. I had started to doze, but Jayne couldn't sleep, watching Torre's behavior. Jayne woke me up at around 3:00 and showed me what was going on. This was something I had never witnessed in many years of being around dogs. I decided that we couldn't wait until 9:00, and we got dressed and took her out to the corner, looking for a taxi that would take her. Not every taxi driver will take a passenger with a dog, especially a large dog. It was a little after 4:00 by now. The nearest 24 hour emergency vet is not that far from us, but with a 90 pound dog that won't walk it's a great distance.

One of the blessings of being in New York City is the amount of all night services. In Manhattan there are at least three 24 hour emergency vet hospitals. Torre was admitted after a brief intake conversation. They would give her some IV fluids and the main doctors would arrive at around 7:00 or so, do rounds and then do an ultrasound on Torre, probably by 10:00am. We went home and tried to get some rest.

I only had one work obligation today, and I didn't have to be there until 1:00pm. At 10:00, I got up and called the emergency vet hospital. She was just about to get her ultrasound and they would call back soon. Just before 11:00am I got the call. She had a mass in her small intestine. In most cases, I was told, this meant one of three possible cancers. Only rarely would it be benign. I called work and told them I would not be able to come in.

Most of the afternoon was spent speaking with our regular vet and doctors at the emergency vet hospital about possible courses of action. She needed immediate emergency surgery, or she would have to be put to sleep. We were devastated. Torre is like our child. To us this was a bolt out of the blue. Only a day earlier she was chasing and playing in the park like she was shortly out of puppyhood.

We asked the vets if there was any hope. She would have to undergo some scans to see if there were any additional masses. There were none, so we decided to go for the surgery. We were not ready to say goodbye, and we felt that she had a chance to live, hopefully, another year.

A little over two hours ago, the surgeon called. Torre is out of surgery. It was a little more complicated than he thought it would be, but he felt that she could come home in a couple of days.

Torre will not have a long life. We have no illusions about that. But we want to have her last months to be happy and comfortable. It has been a day of tears, and there will be more tears to come. If she needs additional surgeries we will likely have to say goodbye then. We will not put her through a long painful end. Once there is a lack of quality of life, we will have to call it a day. But with a hopeful prognosis for the short run, we will take the time we have. Because that's life, with both animals and people.

There's Something About Your Facebook

2009-10-23T23:49:00.006-04:00

Like millions of people, I have a Facebook page. I check it daily, mostly to see what my group of friends are up to and to send out birthday greetings. I personally know almost all of these people. The few I don't know are friends of friends who have been suggested to me by friends. I have a feeling that most people who are on Facebook do the same.

For the few out there who don't know, a profile picture is your face of your Facebook, as it were. Some use pretty standard photos, some use head shots, some use funny pictures of themselves. I have a friend that uses a picture of her feet in her house slippers. My wife uses a picture of our dog. My friend Mert Rich, a fellow Second City alum, uses a picture of George Clooney. Mert does not look like George Clooney.

My profile picture is a picture my wife took of me and our dog lying side-by-side, looking at the camera, at the foot of our bed. The picture is not retouched in any way. I look younger than my years, but if you were to put the photo next to an old picture of me, you'd see that I have definitely aged.

The only 'work' I have had done, other than the removal of a mole I didn't like, have been medically necessary. It is only the blessed accident of genetics that makes me look as young as I do.

At the right-hand side of the home page near the top, there is a place called "Suggestions" which is mostly people that I may click on to add to my 'friends' list, or fan sites that friends of mine subscribe to.

I take a look at these suggestions fairly regularly as well, mostly to see if someone I actually know pops up. The software decides who will be listed there by analyzing the friends lists of my friends. Every once in a while I'll click on this list of strangers or vaguely familiar names to see how I am connected to these people. Here and there I'll find people who have no known connection to me, and I'll check the x box to rid the page of these people. Immediately new ones pop up.

Readers of Rob's News know that I have worked with some celebrities over the years, so it should come as no surprise that some celebrities pop up as people I may know. Some of them I do know, some I have met briefly, and some are friends of friends that I have never met. Some are like those people with which I have no known connection.

Yesterday Al Jardine popped up. I have never met Al Jardine, and I don't think anyone I know is acquainted with him. I clicked on his name without clicking on the friend request button. I wanted to read his description and see if we had mutual friends. He has all of his information, including his friend list blocked from view, so I have no way of knowing if we do have any mutual friends. There is just his profile picture.

His profile picture looks like it came from a press packet for The Beach Boys 1965 tour. I have a feeling he no longer looks like this, seeing as 44 years have passed. If he does look like this, then he's the Rock & Roll Dorian Gray.

Dave Mason is on my friends list. We're not close friends, but we are actually acquainted. His profile picture does not look like a Traffic album cover from 1970. He looks like himself, unashamed of his vintage. Bravo, Dave. You're a damn fine musician and a good, unpretentious guy.

Al- take a lesson from Dave. People out in internet-land and in the Rock & Roll blogosphere know you by name. We don't have to see a forty-year-old picture of you to figure it out. Show us the real you. Or at least your picture in the attic.

Deeply Engrossed in Something or Other

2009-10-22T23:50:00.006-04:00

I don't know about you, but I prefer my airline pilots to be awake in the cockpit. Especially if I am counted among the passengers on the flight in question.

I say this because I caught this little tidbit via the CNN website. "Airline Crew Flies 150 Miles Past Airport." It seems that a Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis went quiet, meaning they did not respond to radio calls, for over an hour. They passed their destination by approximately 150 miles, sixteen minutes of flying time.

Maybe they wanted to go fishing in the Boundary Waters.

The pilot and co-pilot's explanation for this lack of communication with two different air traffic control stations smacks of, shall I say, a statement pulled out of someone's ass. They were having "a heated discussion regarding airline policy and lost situational awareness." For over an hour. They were so engrossed in conversation that they failed to respond to radio calls from two different FAA control stations.

The aircraft, an Airbus A320, was always on radar and showed no signs of mechanical distress, flying straight and level at 37,000 feet, leading most people to believe that autopilot was engaged. Denver air traffic controllers had communicated with the pilots, then lost touch with them to the point that they called the Northwest dispatcher to attempt contact. Denver control handed the aircraft off to Minneapolis air traffic control as a NORDO, the designation for 'no radio communication.'

FAA officials secured the cockpit recorder and flight data recorder, and have placed the pilots under investigation. The cockpit recorder is a sensitive piece of equipment and records all cockpit noises, including snoring.

I should say at this point that it is a rare occasion that pilots fall asleep on the job, but it has happened.

Northwest is now owned by Delta, who also had an embarrassing event this week. A pilot landed on a taxiway instead of the runway at Atlanta-Hartsfield International Airport. Oops. It's fortunate that there were no planes actually taxiing on the taxiway.

So until the investigation is complete we'll have to go with the pilots' explanation. They lost situational awareness. For over an hour. A lot can happen in an hour. A commercial airliner can easily travel 550 miles in an hour. That would give it an eleven hundred mile possible spread. If the center of the circle with a 550 mile radius is Chicago, the circle could reach both Pittsburgh and Omaha. Duluth and Memphis. Far.

I'm hoping that the pilots were engaged in a debate, and not sleeping. Hell, anything is possible.

A True Love Story

2009-10-19T23:31:00.003-04:00

Now that New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate has been found not guilty of felonious assault for allegedly slashing his girlfriend's face, the State Senator from Queens is looking towards the future. A large number of lawmakers of both major political parties are demanding he step down due to his conviction of a lesser misdemeanor. The misdemeanor was captured on video by a building security camera, the Senator plainly dragging his bleeding girlfriend down a stairway and through the building's lobby.

After Senator Monserrate's girlfriend, Karla Giraldo, stated to emergency room doctors and nurses that the Senator had attacked her, she recanted, stating that it was all an accident. She accidentally fell onto the broken glass, cutting her cheek and facial muscles to the bone and requiring twenty stitches to close the accidental wound. Yeah, sure. She fell onto a glass that happened to be in the Senator's outstretched hand.

In a bench trial, a judge found that there was insufficient evidence to prove felonious assault.

In the mind of this politician, being guilty of misdemeanor assault is full vindication. He has stated that he will remain in office. A guilty verdict of the felony charges would have meant automatic dismissal from the State Senate. The ever increasing voices of his fellow Senators on both sides of the aisle demanding he step down coupled with newspaper editorials throughout the state mean nothing to Senator Monserrate. He will hold on to his power for as long as he can.

Staying in the State Senate is not his only plan for the future. Senator Monserrate has another idea. An announcement was made for Senator Monserrate through his criminal defense attorney: The Senator will propose marriage to his target, I mean, his sweetheart.

How romantic. What girl can refuse a proposal of marriage via the news media by her sweetheart's criminal defense lawyer?

Why didn't the Senator take her to a romantic restaurant that features a live violinist, or maybe Ms. Giraldo's favorite place, like a Hawaiian getaway? It could be that he has a restraining order against him, preventing him from getting too close to his lady love.

Some have been speculating about proper wedding gifts for the couple. I have seen some tasteless jokes about unbreakable glassware. I will not sink to that level. My suggestion is far more practical. A gift certificate for emergency services at Roosevelt Hospital in Jackson Heights.

What's Missing from the Health Care Bill

2009-10-16T14:00:00.004-04:00

A horrifying truth was thrust before my eyes today.

While perusing the health care bill I have discovered that something is missing. I'm not talking about the Public Option. We all know that the Public Option is missing. But you have to get to the fine print to discover all the shortcomings of the current bill.

This is crucial. A letter writing campaign must be mounted. I'm talking about a fundamental need that is an essential ingredient to base-line health on every level- physical, mental and spiritual health.

The price of chocolate has gone up yet again.

We need a guarantee from the federal government that chocolate will be provided to the needy. Chocolate is good for blood pressure. Especially mine. On the first of the month, a case of Kit Kat should be delivered to my door, along with five gallons of New York Super Fudge Chunk.

I am not a stingy person. This is not just for my own chocolate needs. My proposal is that every American should be provided chocolate in some form. Some will require kisses or maybe milk chocolate Easter eggs. Some will have a crucial need for brownies. The point is, chocolate must be distributed to the public for the good of all.

I have heard that there are unfortunate souls who have allergies to chocolate. For those down-and-out sad sacks, I propose the caramel option.

Judgement Day

2009-10-15T13:04:00.010-04:00

Judge William Erlbaum will be delivering his opinion later this afternoon in the case of Queens County vs. New York State Senator Hiram Monseratte. Senator Monseratte was one of the two Democratic State Senators who aided the state Republicans in hijacking the state senate for a month earlier this year. Senator Monseratte is on trial for assaulting his long time girlfriend, Karla Giraldo.

After Ms. Giraldo told doctors and nurses at the hospital she had been assaulted, the care-givers were legally obligated to report the incident to police. Once charges were filed, however, she recanted her statement and told police and press that it was all a mistake, and that she fell. Yes, she fell, face first on a broken glass that happened to be in the senator's hand, creating a gouge that went as deep as her cheekbone and required twenty stitches. It can happen to anyone.

Videotape from security cameras in the apartment building where Ms. Giraldo fell onto the broken glass in Senator Monseratte's hand seemed to show the senator dragging Ms. Giraldo down the stairs and to the lobby. In a hurry to take his lady love to the hospital he stopped at the garbage compactor chute to throw a small item into it. The item allegedly was the business card of a man. The Senator allegedly theorized that Ms. Giraldo was considering entering into a non-business type relationship with this man. Ms. Giraldo and the Senator had an argument, which ended with her falling face first on the broken glass. Uh-huh, yes indeed. She fell.

The Senator requested a bench trial. No jury. In my native Chicago, when a high profile individual requests a bench trial, more often than not the verdict has been not guilty. Even in open-and-shut slam dunk cases where the public is expecting a guilty verdict, not guilty has all too often been the result. This especially was going on in the late 70s and early 80s, until Operation Graylord.

Operation Graylord was a justice department sting operation that uncovered a number of judges that were on the take. The most celebrated case was a murder trial of a known operative of The Outfit. Harry Aleman was well known to Chicago police and the Chicago office of the F.B.I. as a hit man and high end thief, employed by a list of Italian-Americans with colorful nicknames. Need I say more? Mr. Aleman allegedly killed a witness in a trial against his employers. This killing was witnessed by a neighbor of the victim, who came forward. In spite of forensic evidence and an eyewitness, Mr. Aleman was found not guilty in a bench trial.

I bring this up because although it is the right of a defendant to request a bench trial over a jury trial, and that defendant is an elected official or a member of a criminal organization, my first reaction is to suspect that the fix is in. Elected officials and mobsters over the years have had a judge or two on the payroll, and it seems to always be a judge that nobody would suspect as being dirty.

Of course, I am not saying that Judge Erlbaum is in any way corrupt. But if Senator Monseratte is found not guilty in the face of testimony from the hospital workers and the videotapes of the security cameras, I will no doubt suspect His Honor, Justice Erlbaum. Time will tell.

Decisions, Decisions

2009-10-13T14:45:00.013-04:00

I am torn as to what I should write about today. Two choices have leaped off the pages of today's news, both relating to health care. One is regarding the current debate around health care reform, the second is about health care at the Department of Veterans Affairs, previously known as the Veterans Administration. I have history with both subjects, as has many millions of Americans.

First, a report was released on Sunday by America's Heath Insurance Plans, a major industry trade group, stating that government meddling in health insurance will raise premiums and costs for consumers. Republicans cheered at the report, publicly stating that they were right to oppose health insurance reforms, privately, no doubt, cheering at the prospect of bonuses from health insurance companies that are funding their reelection campaign war chests.

This report was branded as deeply flawed by Jon Gruber, a health care economist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Mr. Gruber's background in the subject includes assisting the state of Massachusetts in its effort to provide universal health coverage. He revealed that the report, prepared for the insurance trade group by PricewaterhouseCoopers failed to take into account government subsidies. Mr. Gruber crunched the numbers- all of them, and came up with the opposite conclusion, that health care costs would be reduced to the consumer.

Health insurance companies are also developing "low cost" plans that have extremely high deductible thresholds, ensuring that in most cases companies will be able to collect premiums and pay few if any benefits. Premiums in the neighborhood of $1000 per month for family coverage are not unheard of, with annual deductibles of as much as $2000 per patient. This means a family of four would have an out-of-pocket expense of $12,000 plus a possible additional $8000 in deductibles. The government tax credit proposed is a meager $2000. Big help. Many people who are insured are still being financially ruined by doctor and hospital bills, and still, premiums are rising, prescription drugs cost more, and co-pays and deductibles are going up as well. "Low cost" obviously refers to cost to the insurance company and not the consumer.

This is why Representative Alan Grayson stated that the Republican health care plan was 'don't get sick' and 'if you do, die quickly.' The Republicans were hopping mad at Rep. Grayson for telling the truth on the House floor, something that is apparently frowned upon. Now they are stamping their feet and screaming that he should apologize for telling the truth.

One of the biggest complaints made by the Republican Senators last week was that the health care plan would harm the insurance industry. If there were any doubts before, now you know who they are representing. Not the people.

Now on to the Veterans health care needs. The Department of Veterans Affairs announced that they are adding a list of diseases to be covered that were likely caused by exposure to Agent Orange during the Vietnam era. Nice to see they are so prompt. Our last troops departed Vietnam in 1975. Agent Orange exposure was recognized as a serious health hazard as far back as 1970, when the armed forces stopped using it.

For the young ones out there, Agent Orange was the term for an herbicide that was heavily used in Vietnam for two reasons: To kill crops and thus starve the people aiding the Vietcong and the North Vietnamese army, and to reduce the forest canopy and thus eliminate hiding places for snipers. Aside from the moral issues of killing the food supply to pretty much everyone, Vietcong supporters or not, Agent Orange caused a wide array of illnesses, including Parkinson's and some cancers.

During the years after the troops came home and began to fall ill, veterans went to VA hospitals for treatment. Many of the sickest were told that the VA had no record of these men and women serving in Vietnam, and therefore were not eligible for benefits. It fell to sick veterans and their families to prove that they had been in Vietnam, which was frequently answered with a statement from a bureaucrat that the veteran's service records had been lost and their service could not be verified. I suppose that's where the private sector health insurance companies learned their craft.

Now that the VA has decided to add these diseases, it still doesn't mean that those ill will qualify for treatment if one goes by the previous stellar record of the VA. This is how costs will be kept to a minimum. That, and many of the veterans who were most affected by these illnesses have already died. Oops.

Short Term Gains vs. Long Term Planning

2009-10-10T10:28:00.006-04:00

Over the last two nights, while trying to write a piece about the U.S. Chamber of Commerce dust-up in progress over climate change legislation I fell asleep at the keyboard here and there and woke up with writing that had such insight as the following:

////////////////////////////////////////////////

along with other pearls of intellect as

ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff and ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I had grand ideas about tying Western thought and reliance of short term goals devoid of long term vision to the American business philosophy. I would then compare it to Eastern thought and it's current approach to geopolitical expansionism via the business markets.

It's a good thing I fell asleep. I would have been guilty of rash generalization against the Chamber of Commerce. The arguments taking place there have more layers than the pastry parts of a Napoleon- aptly titled Mille Feuilles (1000 leaves) in it's native France.

I am right about the lack of long-term vision in Western business and politics, but it doesn't apply to the arguments currently going on at the Chamber of Commerce. I am also right about the subject matter putting people, including this writer, to sleep.

An example of short-term policy and lack of long term planning: The U.S. handling of Iran. We sponsored a coup. We installed Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi in hopes that we'd get cheap oil forever. He took this installation as an invitation to subjugate his people, developing a deeply feared secret police force and engaging in torture of his countrymen. The torture could be inflicted for what would be thought of pretty small offenses by American justice standards. As far as American foreign policy is concerned, in our desire for cheap resources that would help our economy grow, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi was our kind of guy. American government and big business didn't care much about what was going on inside Iran as long as the oil flowed, and flowed cheaply.

Forever lasted until 1979, when he kicked the bucket and the Iranian Revolution installed the Ayatollah Khomeini, a man who, along with his followers, didn't like the American government very much, mostly because of the coup of 1953 and the reign of terror inflicted upon the Shah's opposition that followed. Now, instead of an American-friendly government, we've had 30 years of animosity so deep that we now have lots to worry about from this former ally.

While researching this post I discovered a website that has a population clock for the People's Republic of China. The stuff you can find on the internet is truly amazing. The population goes up a tick roughly every four seconds. At this writing the population is well over 1.3 billion.

I bring this up because part of my argument was going to include China trade and Mao's promise to dominate the West, especially the U.S.A. This is a case of long term planning. Long term planning that is coming to fruition, though students of Chinese civilization and history will no doubt attribute more to Deng Xaioping's economic reforms than to Mao.

The bottom line is: China is taking over. After all, they just bought Hummer from G.M., so can the end of U.S. economic domination be far behind? I can feel the tremors emanating from the Republican core now. They may have to join the boycott of Hummer automobiles by Lefty Liberals and Tree-Huggers. A truly horrifying prospect.

Comments from Readers

2009-10-08T14:20:00.003-04:00

I welcome comments on my site. I enabled the comment function for feedback by readers. I repeat. Feedback by readers. This does not include links to other sites that promote alternatives of any kind. If a reader has a contrary opinion, please, frame it in the form of a letter to me and my readers. The only links that I welcome are the links of legitimate advertisers placed by Blogger.com

It has come to my attention that my postings, and, I would imagine, the postings of others, are being used as a platform to sell things. In the most recent case a document of religious dogma.

In previous postings I have discovered links attached to my site that push various other items, keyed to the subject matter of one of my postings.

Let me state here and now that in no way to I support or condone any of these postings. This is not a website for the sales of the ideas of others.

The religious text is being given away for free. So what. It has no place on my site, and I will be seeking to have it removed. I do not believe in organized religion of any sort, and I have stated this in the past. Spirituality is within the self, and cannot be placed upon anyone by others. Don't try to win me over. I will not be converted.

Lessons of History

2009-10-06T23:32:00.007-04:00

The time has come for an average citizen to stand up and remind the powers that be in Washington of an important fact: You need to hire a military historian to tell you to wake up.

The previous occupiers of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue didn't have one on staff, or if they did, they never listened to him/her. This is what brought us 9/11. I remember every spokesperson for the former Governor of Texas bleating on and on about how "nobody could have predicted that the terrorists would use airplanes as missiles." This phrase was used at least a dozen times per day on every news outlet they could get their faces on. If this statement was true, then the obvious conclusion must be that the Bush administration was either too naive or too stupid to rule. This is also a statement that anyone who knows me will recall hearing me say since 9/12.

This is how I came to that conclusion-

Item #1: In John Carpenter's "Escape from New York" the opening scene is terrorists hijacking Air Force One and intentionally crashing it into Manhattan. This film was made in 1981. So someone thought of it twenty years earlier than the true event.

Item #2: Hassan Ibn Al Sabbah. Does this name sound familiar? I have known of this man since 1973. Who was he? A fundamentalist Muslim extremist who founded the Order of Assassins. This is the man who pioneered the strategy of the suicide attacker. He lived 950 years ago. This strategy of battle has been in Muslim culture for nearly a millennium. I'd say that's pretty well ingrained. Suicide attackers have been part of the landscape in the modern Middle-East since the late 1960s, and anyone who can read a newspaper should know that.

If the strategists at the White House, the Pentagon, the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Security Administration couldn't figure this out ahead of time, then they were too stupid to have the jobs they had. I believe that these people are not stupid. This leaves us with one conclusion. They were lying to the American People, hoping that nobody would notice how they were huge fuck-ups. Well, I noticed, along with a few others.

This brings us to today's news item: That President Obama has ruled out a large reduction in American forces in Afghanistan. Let me once again suggest to this man I voted for in hopes that he would bring change to The White House. Hire yourself a military historian. Once you do, listen to him or her.

No foreign force has ever held Afghanistan. Ever. Afghanistani tribesmen have always driven out invading forces successfully since the days of Alexander the Great. The tribal groups there, always regarded by outsiders as backward and inferior, have owned that stretch of mountains and dirt for 6000 years, and they will continue to own it. What they lack in technology and material they more than make up with in desire and willingness to die for the ground they stand on. This is why they eventually defeated Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, The Ottoman Empire, The British Empire, and the Soviet Union. Keep it up, Mr. President, and we can join that list.

A military historian will tell you, Mr. President, that home born guerrilla fighters will always eventually defeat an occupying force. The Vietnamese defeated the French and then the U.S. Hell, we don't even have to look overseas- just go to any public school in the country and take an American History class, Mr. President. The Colonists were a backwards, under equipped rag-tag force that took down the British Army and established The United States of America.

Remember your history, Mr. President. If you want to find the money to pass health care and slow out of control spending and economic calamity, bring the troops home.

We have seen time and time again that stopping terrorists is most effective with good police work. Let the investigative agencies do the work they do best. The greatest successes in stopping the terrorists happened in the last few weeks, and would have happened if the FBI had listened to the reports of Middle-Eastern men in flight schools that had no interest in learning how to take off or land, but only how to control a plane in flight.

You must do what is best for the people of the U.S.A. and not what is best for your image among Republicans who don't give a rat's ass for you or anything you stand for.

2009-10-05T20:47:00.009-04:00

Every once in a while some good news emanates from the courts. Today the United States Supreme Court rejected a request to delay the court ordered release of thousands of documents relating to evidence and allegations of child abuse committed by priests. This particular request was made by the Diocese of Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Although the cases of abuse by priests have been piling up for the past fifteen years or so, this has been the Catholic Church's worst kept secret for a very long time. When I was a student at Loyola University of Chicago in the early to mid 1970s fellow students told me of cases that they knew of where priests who had been pedophiles were routinely transferred to a different parish, free to practice in a new community. Some into boys, some into girls, all united in their interest in underage individuals, some as young as six years old.

Mostly The Church did not immediately transfer the pedophile priests, they sent them to some kind of church rehab facility first, where the offenders would be cleansed of their sins before turning them back into a blissfully ignorant society a few towns, counties, or states away.

I should point out here that pedophilia is, in my opinion (along with others who actually went to school to study psychology) a sexual identity as ingrained into a person's identity as heterosexuality or homosexuality. Pedophilia has the highest recidivism rate of all sex crimes.

At Loyola I met a small handful of former priests and nuns who left their various orders to get married, and I knew that they engaged in sexual activity before transitioning into the civilian world. One of them was one of my professors.

When I was working at Laury's Records in Evanston, IL, adjacent to the Northwestern University campus, one day I was approached by a priest, with collar, in conventional vestments. He looked around to make sure nobody else was nearby. He spoke to me just above a whisper, confessing to me that he was gay, and that he had a hot date that night. He proceeded to ask me for an album of romantic music that would set the atmosphere in the right direction. Without batting an eye I gave him "Touch" by John Klemmer. He bought the album and went away happy. I have no reason to think that this guy was into kids, but he was the first priest who disclosed sexual proclivities directly to me.

In my years in the theater I have worked with many gay, bisexual and transgendered people, male and female. Some of them have told me that they had affairs with active duty Catholic clergy.

We're all human, and we all have sex drives. The suppression of sex drive has been proved time and time again to be a very bad thing for the psyche. The Catholic Church has been at or near the top of the list of groups who have practiced suppression of human sexual nature. The chickens are coming home to roost.

The ruling does not mean that the documents will be coming out tomorrow or the next day. The Church is arguing that a shield should be put in place to hide the identities of the wrongdoers. This is out of a real fear of vigilante actions that could be perpetrated by a justifiably angry public. I do not condone frontier justice, but I do understand the desire for it.

I understand the Church's position. The need for the truth to come out however, and come out fully, outweighs the Church's position.

Ethics and the U.S. Senate

2009-10-02T23:27:00.006-04:00

The United States Senate has come to the realization that Senator John Ensign's actions related to his affair with a married campaign staffer, doubling her salary, and putting her husband on the payroll, may have raised some red flags regarding his ethics.

Really? They're just now figuring this out? Most of the details around the affair came out in mid-June. This includes awarding a job to the woman's husband as an "administrative assistant" for a meager $144,000 per year. Hey Senator! I can run a PowerPoint presentation as well as anyone! Don't I rate a six figure job? What's that you say? I'd have to loan you my wife?

It's so good to know that the 99 other members of the U.S. Senate are so adept at sniffing out these things. They are right on the case. Gives you faith in the system. Next thing you know they'll realize that they should actually read bills before they vote them into law, something not done with the "Patriot Act" that overturned the Bill of Rights. Well, maybe not the WHOLE Bill of Rights, just the first, fourth and sixth amendments (but only for Muslims). That still leaves seven out of ten, great stats if you're talking batting averages.

This is the same Senator who just the other day was a louder than loud critic of the health care plans put forth by Democratic Senators that included the Public Option. The man should not be allowed to set foot on the floor of the Senate, much less influence debate on any bill. If Senator Ensign had any respect for the Senate he'd resign immediately. But he won't, because it's not about respect for the Senate. It's about power mongering.

No, when an American Senator is caught in any situation that would send the average person to jail, or at least force them to move out of town and change their name, the Senator will always hang on for as long as possible. While the Senator hangs on the situation will always worsen and eventually cost the taxpayers millions. In almost any other country the lawmaker would immediately step down. Some would kill themselves. Not here. No, a corrupt official caught in the act in the good old U.S.A. is required to humiliate everyone within a five mile radius, starting with his or her spouse. It's one of the things that makes this country great and the envy of all other countries.

Today in the Senate

2009-09-29T22:16:00.006-04:00

Today in the United States Senate the American People were sold down the river. In a 15-8 committee vote the Public Option of the health care bill was shot down. A second version of the vote proposed by Senator Charles Schumer was also killed by a 13-10 vote.

Two-thirds of Americans want drastic health insurance change, but not the U.S. Senate. The leaders of the selling out of the American People are as follows: Orrin Hatch of Utah,who stated that the bill was "a Trojan Horse for a single-payer system..." Charles Grassley of Iowa called the government that pays his salary, his pension and his health care for life "a predator" that will "ultimately force private insurers out of business" as though the profit off of human illness was an upstanding moral pursuit.

Another big mouth for big health care companies was the highly trustworthy John Ensign of Nevada, best known for allegedly boffing a campaign staffer, the wife of his close friend and golfing buddy. Senator Ensign then doubled the salary of the staffer he was schtupping, and hired her husband to an 'administrative assistant' post, paying him $150,000 per year, apparently because he knows Microsoft Office Suite as well as anyone and can put together a damn fine PowerPoint presentation. Senator Ensign, ironically, seemed to liken the Public Option to a chronic illness: "Once it's started, you'll never get rid of it!" He led into this statement complaining that the program would be so popular it could never be uprooted.

These Republican Senators went on and on like the Public Option would be a bad thing: a government program that serves the people and is appreciated. If by chance the bill eventually passes, and at some future point the Public Option is reintroduced successfully, the Republicans can add this horrifying success to such terrible government programs like Medicare and the Interstate Highway System.

They were not alone. In this majority Democratic Senate it took some fifth column turncoats to aid in standing against the majority of those who voted for them. Leading the fifth column charge was Max Baucus of Montana. Apparently his chief reservation against the Public Option was that he might have to endure a filibuster. Gee. Having to listen to Republicans drone on for hours on end. Isn't that part of your job, Senator?

Kent Conrad of North Dakota is a mystery. He has been elected in a state with heavy Republican leanings, however he frequently bucks the conservative line of his constituents (far from always, but often enough to piss them off).

Blanche Lincoln is not a mystery. She is a Democrat in name only. She is against equal rights of gays. She is in favor of banning lawsuits against gun manufacturers. She is in favor of restricting class action lawsuits. Apparently large corporations need to be protected from ordinary citizens.

These three Senators voted with Republicans against both versions of the bill. Voting against the first but not the second were Thomas R. Carper of Delaware and Bill Nelson of Florida. Delaware is the state of choice for many banks and credit card companies. Florida is Florida. I don't wish to make a "Red State" generalization, because the "Red States" are not 100% "Red." They just seem that way.

Once again I propose the full analysis of all Senators and Congressmen's financial supporters. As I wrote about last week regarding the New Jersey Democratic delegation members and their support of a substandard health care product manufactured by a company based in New Jersey that had made large contributions to the Senators and Representatives' campaigns, open air is needed, and needed badly.

I have to wonder if the Democratic Senators who voted today against the Public Option have ulterior motives in their voting. It does not seem likely that their motive is to protect the people who walked into the voting booths and selected them.

The Difference Between Willful Distortion and Damn Lies

2009-09-28T20:36:00.008-04:00

It has come to my attention that a group of loud so-called Social Conservatives have been using their shrill tones to blast presidential appointees at the Environmental Protection Agency. The reason? They have accused E.P.A. officials of suppressing an internal report that dismisses global warming, and that these officials have done this for political reasons.

Here are the real reasons. The E.P.A. employee who wrote the contrary report is not a scientist and he did not use scientific method or reasoning in the writing of his report. Not only that, but the writer, Dr. Alan Carlin, an economist, has admitted that the paper in question is not scientific research and not suitable for publication.

The above reasons have had no bearing on Rush Limbaugh. He is only too happy to have an additional excuse for blasting President Obama and his advisers. In an all too common tirade from the widely syndicated hot air balloon, Mr. Limbaugh failed to mention that Dr. Carlin has no scientific background to write such a dissenting paper.

Glenn Beck has also joined Mr. Limbaugh in this effort, which should come as no surprise. The Heritage Foundation also published a piece with no specific author attributed, stating that Dr. Carlin's duties were tied to climate change issues, leaving out that Dr. Carlin is an economist and not a climatologist, and that climate change and/or global warming was never one of his assigned subjects to research.

On September 24th the New York Times published an evaluation of the paper, finding that the paper has been branded shoddy work by several analysts who have pointed out that it contains unverified information from blog posts, failed to acknowledge contradictory information, and included whole passages verbatim from the blog of a well known climate change doubter. The Times article went on to report that Dr. Carlin himself has admitted to the shoddy work and that the paper was rushed and never intended for publication in a scientific journal.

Spokespeople and top executives at the E.P.A. have stated numerous times that Dr. Carlin is not being muzzled, a charge that the conservative screamers have been repeating, ad nauseum.

In short, in spite of evidence to the contrary, the conservative press have put Dr. Carlin on a pedestal, stating he has been muzzled by the liberal power base because he possesses facts that are inconvenient to the Obama Administration. They also know that this is not true, which is inconvenient to their point of view. But with this group facts have never been allowed to get in the way of a good smear.

I want to call them a pack of damn liars, but legal concerns force me to refer to these people instead as "those who routinely engage in willful distortion." Sure, it's the same thing, except in a courtroom.

The Sanctity of Motherhood

2009-09-26T17:23:00.007-04:00

Everywhere I look I am told that our most important resource is our children, and everything should be done to ensure their care. I am also told that motherhood is sacred, and as a society we need to do all in our power to preserve the rights of all mothers everywhere.

I'm supposing this statement includes such wonderful mothers as Susan Smith. Ma Barker is another that comes to mind.

This afternoon while walking from one of my jobs to another I witnessed an incident that I would call child abuse. This abuse was perpetrated by what I have come to call the Angry Mommie Brigade. The Angry Mommie Brigade takes over the streets of Manhattan by ramming strollers into the ankles of pedestrians who are walking slower than the Angry Mommie wants to move, because the Angry Mommie happens to suck at time management and needs everyone else to pay the price for it.

This Angry Mommie was coming out of a storefront that may have been a store or a restaurant- I didn't notice, because I myself was in a bit of a hurry. The Angry Mommie was accompanied by her husband and three small children. The youngest was dutifully strapped into the right-hand seat of a twin stroller, while the other two children were on foot. The oldest, who could not have been more than four years old, sat in the open seat. He was a little too big to fit and was trying to settle in. The middle child, a girl, made no protest that this should have been her seat. She stood nearby, holding the hand of her father. The boy, still trying to squeeze himself into the seat was smiling, but only for a moment.

Angry Mommie suddenly and without any verbal warning, jerked the stroller sharply to the right, dumping the boy out of the seat onto the sidewalk.

"Why did you do that?" The startled boy asked.
"Because I told you not to sit there." Angry Mommie barked in reply.

The husband said and did nothing. It was another average day.

The boy did not cry and did not seem to be visibly bruised. Should I have called 911? I was unsure. One thing I was sure of- I was appalled. The parents were well dressed and walking in a very expensive part of Manhattan. These are the children that will grow up attending the best schools and getting the best opportunity to become pillars of the community. I shudder to think of what jobs they will get and who they will be affecting.

The saddest part of this story is that this is not a unique sighting. Far from the first and certainly not the last time I will witness such behavior. When I tell people about these incidents I am told it is best to mind my own business and not get involved.

It is unfortunate that there is no such thing as a parental license. Anyone can have a kid if they are biologically able, and the rich can have kids even if they're not biologically able. Because it's the most important thing one can do. To populate the planet with angry abused damaged souls.

As the Season Draws to a Close

2009-09-25T23:50:00.005-04:00

I spent the night tonight at Yankee Stadium seeing the Yankees send their rivals to the northeast, the dreaded Boston Red Sox, to a 9-5 defeat. Baseball is a near religious experience to me. My first home was walking distance to Wrigley Field, and I attended my first Major League Baseball game in my mother's arms in diapers.

Tonight was the last game of the season that I had tickets to. I was looking forward to this game. I saw great defensive plays, timely hitting, and lots of stolen bases. Jayne and I were under-dressed. The temperature plunged by around fifteen degrees since yesterday in a trumpeting of autumn's arrival. Our tickets were, what is often referred to as "nosebleed seats." They were almost directly behind the plate, the back of the horseshoe, facing directly into a 20 mile per hour wind. They were more like nose-freeze seats.

By the fourth inning we were miserable, and elected to get out of the wind. We walked around the upper reaches of the park, seeking a spot to watch the game out of the wind. We settled into a location out of the wind with a decent view, and shortly thereafter our religious experience was shattered by a man screaming into his cell phone.

This guy was screaming first at his wife, then his daughter. He stood directly behind us, about ten or fifteen feet away, in what I can only describe as a three inning rant. He was louder than the public address system at points. Several people around me found themselves staring at this guy as his voice raised louder than the Irish tenor that sings "God Bless America" during the seventh inning stretch. I exchanged looks with a half-dozen fans who were unable to watch the game as this man verbally abused his family in the most public of places. I wanted to say something to him, but I was sure that whatever I said would have invited physical abuse. He nearly ruined the game. He screamed into his cell phone the same tirade over and over agin. "You're grounded. you're grounded for calling your mother a liar." He must have screamed this fifteen times.

But he did not ruin the game. He could not. A baseball game cannot be ruined by one creep, unless, of course, the person was a fan for an opposition team seated directly behind you and is constantly screaming directly into your ear. Even then, you can have the offender arrested, or take the more direct response of punching his lights out.

This has been a season of disappointment for me. My Cubs underperformed and are currently making their fishing plans. The Yankees, however, will likely clinch the the championship of the American League Eastern Division, if not this weekend, then by Tuesday. The Yankees are a team that I married into. I root for them, but I root for the Cubs louder and more enthusiastically. No matter the annual futility, the Cubs own the baseball area of my heart. It is an unexplainable faith, just like religion.

Monday I will spend much of the day in shul, observing the true religion of my birth. I will be atoning for the sins of the year. My biggest sin is probably wishing harm on members the St. Louis Cardinals, along with Cubs' general manager Jim Hendry for not resigning Mark DeRosa and instead signing Milton Bradley.

A United Front for Health Care

2009-09-24T22:32:00.011-04:00

For some weeks, many Americans, including this writer, have been wondering why the Democrats don't just tell the Republicans to shut the hell up and pass health care reform without them. The American people, well aware that the Democrats occupy the Executive branch and hold a clear majority in both the House of Representatives and the Senate, can't imagine what's taking so long.

Today I went shopping at a store that I highly recommend, The Clue Warehouse. This place was originated by friend and former Second City cast member Dave Razowsky. We did three revues and hundreds of performances together. The Clue Warehouse should be the most successful shop in America, since tens of millions of Americans need to go buy a few of them, and buy them now. Maybe The American People could negotiate a volume discount, so many clues need to be bought.

I bought my clue through the New York Times online. There I read a story about how the F.D.A. has admitted an error in approving a controversial health care item. The article also went into detail how two Senators and two U.S. Representatives, all from New Jersey and all Democrats, pressured the F.D.A. to approve this item, and how a former executive of the F.D.A. improperly assisted in this effort.

It seems that these four men received campaign contributions from ReGen Bilologics, Inc., a New Jersey based multinational health care company. Not long after that, they pressured the F.D.A. to approve a device named Menaflex, a patch for injured knees. This device was approved in spite of unanimous statements of F.D.A. scientists that the device was unsafe, primarily because it doesn't work, and that the device fails, causing the patient using the device to need additional knee surgery.

Senators Frank Lautenberg and Robert Menendez, along with Representatives Frank Pallone, Jr. and Steven R. Rothman all swear that the campaign contributions had absolutely no bearing on their lobbying the F.D.A. to approve Menaflex. Sure, guys. I believe you. I also believe that the Cubs could still take the Wild Card this season because they have yet to be mathematically eliminated. I think I just saw a leprechaun walking up Third Avenue and ordering a pint of Guinness in Fitzgerald's. I believe you.

Americans who want health care reform should start looking deeply at their representatives, find out who is donating to their campaigns, and how the representatives are voting, or not voting, in the health care debate. I think we'll find more than a few wolves in sheep's clothing. While the Democrats are screaming about health care in front of the TV cameras, why hasn't the bill, and a strong version of the bill, passed yet? The reason lies in campaign contributions and that the legislature is for sale to the highest bidder. The American People, the Constitution and sacred oaths are all being wildly outbid.

While my fellow Americans go to their computer screens, instead of downloading porn and spouting hate speech in sports chat rooms, they should spend some time looking into their elected officials. But not me. I'm confident that all my representatives are completely honest, pure as the driven snow. I've got to go now. I have to make sure my unicorn has a full bag of magic oats.

What Constitutes a Capaign Contribution

2009-09-22T23:09:00.008-04:00

Many people I know, including myself, find that when a they take a vacation, they miss things. Even when they just take a day or two, the whole world seems to change.

Since last Thursday I worked at my two jobs roughly sixty hours, walked my large hound another ten or twelve hours, and even slept a little bit here and there. I was unable to write, and I only glanced at the paper. Among the things I missed was the beginning of a new debate around what can be constituted a campaign contribution.

People who know me and people who read my writings know that politically I tilt to the left. I can't pass up an opportunity to drop-kick a Republican who says or does something stupid. I salivate when a right-winger is found in the address book of a prostitute (of either sex) just after making a loud family values speech. When Rush Limbaugh was caught with multiple prescriptions of a controlled substance I practically creamed my jeans.

People who know me well know that politicos on the left who make boneheaded moves are subject to the same treatment from me. Left wing, right wing, a schmendrik is a schmendrik, as my grandparents would say to me. Of course, my grandparents would not define schmendrik, because now that we're in America we speak English (and they needed to speak Yiddish when they didn't want me to know what they were talking about).

This brings me to John Edwards, a man I considered voting for in 2004. It seems that the dashing and handsome one term senator had a girlfriend. I don't care about that part. Lots of politicians have girlfriends on the side. It's none of my business. The sticky side is that he was boning this woman while his wife was getting chemo treatments. The really sticky side of this is that he was apparently using campaign money to pay her rent.

This woman bore John Edwards' child. Again, this is none of my business. Mr. Edwards personal doings have no bearing on my life. But he did run for president, and he did put himself out there as a good family man with a wife of over twenty-five years (at the time of his presidential campaign in 2004, and over 30 years during his last presidential run).

Ok, so John Edwards is not a schmendrik (roughly a knucklehead). He's an outright slime. How do I know this? According to sources, he promised his girlfriend that after his cancer-stricken wife died, he would marry the girlfriend in a rooftop ceremony in New York City with a guest appearance by the Dave Matthews Band. I'm guessing Ben & Jerry's "Magic Brownies" would be the dessert.

Mr. Edwards is now under investigation for financial irregularities in his campaign fund. I think every politician should be investigated for this, whether or not anything untoward is suspected. I put forth this idea strictly for my own personal entertainment.

Mr. Edwards, it seems, has two very good friends with money. They were the ones paying the hush money to the future Mrs. Edwards; money that came in the form of rent and a BMW automobile. This money was paid to her with the understanding of a quid pro quo which meant keeping a low profile for the length of Mr. Edwards' campaign. Now comes the best part. There is a legal debate in progress. Does the hush money constitute a campaign contribution? I am not kidding here. This is the actual question being debated in a courtroom.

If hush money is accepted as a campaign contribution, maybe we should go to the next logical step. Like paying politicians to shut the hell up. But then they'd just talk more, flapping their lips to extort the public. I'd suggest putting them in an outfit favored by some S&M freaks, the leather hood with the rubber ball gag. But again, this is probably what some of them secretly desire.

Days Off

2009-09-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

I am taking a few days off, due to my work schedule. Please come back soon. Tuesday, for instance.

Appetizers

2009-09-17T23:50:00.007-04:00

Just after pushing back from the table, I went online to look for something to write about. With the taste of a honey-dijon chicken salad sandwich still on my tongue I went to today's New York Times website to discover a piece about factory farming and runoff.

It seems that there is a community in northern Wisconsin, not far from where I went fishing with my father in my youth, where the townspeople are turning on the faucet, filling a glass, and sipping a poop cocktail.

The story went on to reveal that a child of this community had such horrible ear infections he nearly needed surgery, and doctors determined that he had acquired this condition by bathing in polluted tap water. The story also stated that this is a national problem, happening throughout rural America. Chicken farms, hog farms, and dairy farms are producing mountains of animal waste, not just from the back end, but also entrails from slaughter for pulled pork sandwiches, burgers and buckets of chicken.

It gets worse. Ranchers eager to sell the fecal by-products for fertilizer have changed the animals' feed to increase the liquidity of the cow-pie to make it into something more like cow-shake so that it can be sprayed onto fields more evenly for fertilizer. The farmers are so enthusiastically fertilizing their crops - they're overdoing it and creating more runoff.

According to the E.P.A., agricultural runoff is the single largest source of water pollution in the U.S., and it is estimated that 19.5 million American residents are made ill by waterborne parasites, viruses, or bacteria. The Clean Water Act was passed largely to guard lakes and streams from chemical dumping and ignored agricultural pollution. The E.P.A. set out to right this wrong and set rules to make large farms (minimum of 700 head of cattle) abide by tougher standards than small family farms. These rules are not enforced because the owners of the large farms are not filing their paperwork, and simply ignoring the regulations.

In its efforts to weaken all ideas from the bleeding heart liberal set, the previous administration passed legislation allowing farmers to self-police, making it even easier for the worst polluters to continue on with business as usual. I believe the legislation might be titled the "fox-in-the-hen-house act." It seems that the former Governor of Texas likes it when his contributors are allowed to do whatever they want in the name of less regulation and more profit. Regulations cost businesses money. If businesses have to abide by regulations their C.E.O.s won't be able to buy country clubs and hire laid-off formerly middle-class people to wash the dishes and polish the shoes of the rich. Job growth will slow, forcing the C.E.O.s to polish their own Bentleys. Horrors.

The E.P.A. needs help. I know this first hand. On a recent trip to our nation's capital I visited the E.P.A. Headquarters. It is an agency in decay. I present photographic evidence here. This is an actual photo my wife took. It is not retouched in any way. Seriously.

(Click on image to enlarge)

Under the supervision of the former Governor of Texas, the E.P.A. was not even able to pick up its own garbage. The E.P.A. needs our help, people, and they need it NOW!!!

Writing this built up one hell of a thirst. I'm going to have a beer. You expect me to pour a glass of water?

In Need of an Editor

2009-09-16T01:00:00.002-04:00

I've been told more than once that I need an editor. The first time was by a literary agent who read a draft of my first book. She also was quick to say that there were passages that made her laugh out loud, and that she almost never laughed out loud. She paid me this compliment just before telling me she would not represent me.

The most recent bearer of this information happens to be my wife. She should know. She has a degree in journalism from N.Y.U.

And so, I must admit- there will be those who read my humble column, sometimes written in a big hurry to make a self-imposed deadline, that will find typos and grammatical flubs. I did not do well in English class. I was always bored. I cannot diagram a sentence to save my life. I can't remember what a dangling participle is, probably because my English teachers were speaking in knockout drops, slipping me verbal mickeys, sending me to dreamland.

This was most recently brought to my attention by Jayne when she read several pieces that I had written and hit the 'publish post' button before she had a chance to make some blue pencil corrections. I received a finger wagging tonight about being in such a hurry, which initially irritated me. She laughed at my anger, which was primarily focused on myself, due to my lack of paying attention in English class and its toll on my writing.

"This is our 'scrunchy episode'!" I exclaimed, uttering a "Sex and the City" reference. Our relationship and conversations are filled with pop culture references from television not found on the Disney channel, film, and Rock & Roll.

And now if readers take a second look, they may notice some changes. There will be a few more changes still.

I don't need to run an ad for an editor. I'm already married to one. I just have to hold back before hitting the 'publish post' button and let her have a look first.

Elections

2009-09-15T21:05:00.004-04:00

Today is the Democratic primary for the upcoming general elections for New York City's elected posts. I am a registered Democrat, and I voted.

I am far in the minority. Normally I vote early. It's in my make-up. I grew up in Chicago, where we are told to 'vote early and often.' Today after the morning dog walk I had to rush to work and nearly forgot to vote, until I was on the evening dog walk and was reminded by someone passing out fliers, dutifully a respectful distance from a polling place.

I had until 9:00pm to get to the public school that houses my neighborhood polling place. Although there was only a half-hour to go when I arrived, there was no line. No latecomers clamoring to make it on time before the polls closed.

I stopped at the check-in desk. I was ballot number 61. There are six names and addresses to each page of sign-ins. There are 71 pages of registered Democrats in my precinct. Less than one sixth would show up to vote in the primary in my precinct. That is beyond appalling.

I know it's a virtual slam-dunk that Mayor Bloomberg will be re-elcted unless he has a colossal crash and burn in the next month and a half, but there are other races to be decided.

So now the newsies will bleat on about the great wheel of democracy. Is it really a democracy when the winner gets half of one sixth of the registered vote? I can hear the cheers now-

"YIPEE!!! I'M THE LANDSLIDE WINNER!!! I GOT ONE TWELFTH OF THE VOTE!!!"

And the broadcasters will debate if one twelfth is a mandate for change. There will be a different list of names that get to award no-bid contracts to their relatives and friends.

I know that the general election will get a bigger turnout, but by how much more? When it's just the city elections and the top spot is practically unopposed? Nobody cares who the District Attorney is, or the city Comptroller, or the Public Advocate, and truly how many care who their councilman is? It's a short list.

It is said in many places that democracy and government is decided by those who show up. I show up. Me and maybe a hundred others. Do you trust me to make all your decisions for you? For the future of your community and how it will be run? Of course you do. You already did.

The Day After

2009-09-12T12:01:00.004-04:00

On September 12th, the second day of our honeymoon, Jayne and I went downstairs to the inn's dining room. We had signed up for the early breakfast, wanting to have a full day in Healdsburg and some of the nearby vineyards.

The two couples from Augusta had signed up for the same breakfast time. The wives were pleasant enough, and the man who was not in the lobby complaining about his stocks had little to say. The prick, however, had no idea when to shut the fuck up. His wife finally got him to change the subject.

With breakfast ruined we went out to the pool and met some of the other guests. We did go on a couple of tours that day. The setting was beautiful, but we couldn't enjoy it. We were able to reach someone in New York that had spoken to our friend Katie, the one who worked in Tower One.

She didn't have to be at work that day until 10:00am and was in the health club across the street. After spending some time on the treadmill she went to the locker room and got in the shower. While in the shower someone ran in and yelled that the building was being evacuated and she had to get out 'now!' Katie hurriedly dried off and pulled on her clothes as fast as she could, grabbed her purse and ran out of the building to see the chaos. Paper and metal shards were everywhere. She ran north and had safely gotten away.

Jayne called Mark, her co-worker, again, who still hadn't heard from his father. Mark's father would eventually resurface a couple of days later. We knew no one who died.

My sister worked for a time at Marsh & McLennen in Chicago and one of her closest friends had been transferred to New York and was still with the company. Marsh was one of the companies hardest hit, over 300 employees killed, their offices on an impact floor. Those in the Trade Center offices didn't have a chance. The survivors were either people who happened to call in sick, ran late, or dallied at a coffee shop, putting off going in to enjoy the beautiful weather of that morning for five more minutes.

My sister's friend worked at Marsh's mid-town office, but the thirteen people from her department that reported to her were all killed, if lucky, instantly.

We called another close friend of Jayne's who's brother was a crane operator. We found out that he had gone down at sunrise on the 12th to offer his services to help in the rescue and recovery.

At around dinner time we were asked by the innkeeper to sign up for breakfast. I looked at the sign up sheet and chose the later time, seeing that the four from Georgia were again signed up for the early time. We had decided to avoid this guy for the rest of our time there. We were only in that in for two days, but I can remember every detail of the building, the koi pond, the pool, the lobby with the television.

Everywhere we went on our honeymoon people would ask us where we were from. When we said New York their faces fell, and offered sympathy and support. Playing the honeymoon card got us a lot of free coffee and desserts.

Jayne was terrified to fly now. We couldn't enjoy ourselves all that much. After a week of inn hopping and two lane scenic highway driving we decided to cut our trip short. We returned to San Francisco, on schedule. We were originally supposed to go to Monterey for another three days, but we had enough of worrying about New York and felt separated from home. Our return flight kept getting canceled. The car rental company told us that they'd waive the drop fee if we drove back. We thanked them and said we'd check in with them daily.

We would eventually drive the whole way, five days on Interstate 80, the worst way to go. We do want to return to wine country so that we can enjoy it, and we would like to drive across the country again, but not on interstates and not under any such circumstances. The trip on I-80 was an odyssey in itself.

When we drove across the George Washington Bridge late morning of the fifth day of driving, it was Sunday the 23rd. Ground Zero was smoking, as it would for months. We live an hour's walk from it. When the wind was right we could smell a smoke that had many layers of different smells, none of them good.

Pulling up to the rental car place there were six people sitting on the sidewalk outside the office door. When I drove up a couple waiting for a car jumped up. One of the rental car workers helped me get the bags out of the car. We had been practically living in it for nearly two weeks. Jayne took out two plastic shopping bags of trash, coffee cups, empty bags of chips, apple cores, the remains of road food. I told the car rental guy that I had driven the car over 3000 miles and that it would need an oil change. He grunted an affirmative and before I was two feet away from the trunk the couple was loading their stuff in. There were no rental cars to be found anywhere in New York. People just wanted to get out in any way they could.

Jayne wanted to go to the Trade Center, and it was the first day that anyone would be let anywhere near it. We walked down to City Hall among a throng of people, all walking in silence. There was a road block at Broadway and Ann, the closest we could get. We walked around to Vescey and looked south at the devastation. The pile of rubble was at least ten stories high. The scene on television could not possibly relate the scope of the atrocity.

We walked back in silence to Union Square, where we heard that an impromptu memorial was taking place. There were fliers everywhere with pictures of missing people, all likely dead. In the plaza just above fourteenth street people were gathered, a string quartet played funeral music. I was suddenly overcome with grief at the sound of the music.

A woman that I never saw before or since came to me with a puppy.
"Do you want to pet him?"
All I could do was nod. I held the puppy while I cried for the lost, still thought to be over 5000 at that point.
"I named him Rudy," she continued.

I held the puppy for several minutes. He licked my face, which made me cry some more. Once I was able to collect myself I gave him back to his owner and thanked her.

Jayne and I walked around and read the fliers and looked at the pictures of the missing. The pictures were all of smiling, happy moments from vacations, family dinners, graduations and weddings. Moments of beauty without a trace of care. The way these people should be remembered. Not for a sudden, senseless, brutal ending.

Memories of 9/11

2009-09-11T23:09:00.006-04:00

On September 9, 2001, Jayne and I married in a small ceremony in the outer garden of a restaurant on Cooper Square. The Village Voice offices are across the street, as is the Cooper Union. A walk to the World Trade Center would take the average person around 20 or 30 minutes.

The Trade Center was the site of our first date. We liked walking around Battery Park and along the river. The night of our marriage we stayed at the Tribeca Grand Hotel, and our room looked at the towers. The morning of Monday the tenth, we went out to breakfast and laughed at all the people who had to work that day, savoring the beginning of a honeymoon vacation. We talked about going to the Trade Center, but decided to put it off until we came back from our trip. We had reservations in wine country in northern California, and we had packed on the previous Saturday, so we would be ready to just pick up our suitcases and go.

As Monday the tenth went on, clouds started moving in and in the mid-afternoon it began to rain. We took a cab to JFK and checked in. By the time we got to JFK it was raining pretty hard and lightening was lighting up the sky. We boarded the plane.

Jayne used to fly quite a bit, but over the years she started to develop a fear of flying, and the lightening was really bothering her. Our flight to San Francisco was scheduled for a 5:20pm take off. we pushed back from the gate on time, but once we were on the tarmac and in line for takeoff the plane stopped. The pilot spoke to us over the intercom, informing us that because of the weather we would be delayed. Lightening was all over the place. Jayne was relieved we were not taking off.

We talked about how her brother and nephew had Yankees tickets and the game would certainly be rained out. They came to town for our wedding from Atlanta. We sat on the tarmac for five hours. The crew were wonderful to us. They fed us, they brought the drinks cart down the aisle, the pilot turned off the seat belt sign and we were allowed to use our cell phones.

We finally took off around 10:30p and landed in San Francisco at around 1:30am Pacific time. Our rental car had been given to someone else. We protested to the night clerk that we had a reservation. He apologized. Jayne said to him that we were on our honeymoon. The magic words. He upgraded us to a luxury car, a huge Chrysler with leather seats and a terrific sound system.

We knew when planning the trip that we would be landing late at night and we didn't want to drive to wine country in the dark, so we had reservations that night at the Airport Best Western. We got to our hotel room at around 2:00am Pacific time on Tuesday September 11th. Our body clocks were still on Eastern time, so to us it was about 5:00am.

We got into bed and fell asleep quickly, tired from the long day. After only a few hours, we woke up, a little after 6:00am Pacific time. The towers had already been hit, but we were unaware. We were in San Francisco, we were about to drive to wine country, it was the first real day of our honeymoon. A little honeymooning, and then a shower. Jayne had a habit of turning on the TV and the Today Show almost as soon as she got out of bed, but not that day.

After we got out of the shower and dried off, we talked about going out to breakfast. I started to shave and she turned on the TV. The smoking towers were on the screen, but the sound hadn't kicked in. She began to change the channels, looking for the NBC logo in the corner. It seemed the same program was on every station. As I shaved, Jayne was talking to me about what was on the screen.

"I can't find NBC- Oh, wait a minute." She saw the NBC logo, but the programming was the same. The sound kicked in once she stopped flipping channels. A solemn voice said 'and the World Trade Center is no more.' Jayne started to scream. "Oh my God it's real!"

We stood in front of the hotel TV for several minutes completely dumbfounded. The crawl at the bottom of the screen was talking about the Pentagon explosion and the evacuation of the White House and the houses of Congress. The San Francisco local NBC affiliate news team broke into the broadcast, and it was showing picture in picture downtown Manhattan and telling us that the Golden Gate Bridge and the Oakland Bay Bridge were closed, that all American airspace was frozen, and that for security reasons the police were quarantining the airport area. They put up a map of the airport area with marks as to where the roadblocks were being set up. We were just inside the quarantine area. Jayne started to panic.

"What are we going to do?" She asked.
"Let's get the hell out of here. We've got reservations. Whatever is going on we're way better off in a small town inland than in a big city on the coast."

We hustled our baggage out to the car. Jayne went to settle the bill while I finished loading the trunk. Stunned people were milling about the parking lot. An airport shuttle pulled up, filled with people whose flights were suddenly canceled - they all needed rooms. Jayne came out to the car and we drove off. I turned on the radio, and we found a morning news broadcast. Local authorities had decided not to close the bridges, but I didn't want to drive across either one of them that day. I decided to drive south to San Jose and go around San Francisco Bay.

Just as we were about to get on the freeway, a Korean Air Lines 747 flew, very low, over the car. I figured they must not have had enough fuel to divert to Canada and must have been the last plane to have clearance to land. By now it was about 8:00am, maybe a little later. I drove for a while, and once we were on the eastern side of the bay we stopped for breakfast at a roadside diner. We started calling people on our cell phones. Jayne got hold of a friend who lived on First Avenue and Fourth Street. I called some family members, who didn't remember that we were flying the night before and thought we may have been on the flight from Newark that crashed in Pennsylvania.

It turned out that several people tried to call us, but because we had 917 area codes on our cell phones they couldn't get through to us. We could not receive calls, but since we were in the bay area we could dial out. There were some restaurant patrons at the next table, laughing about something or other, then became silent when they heard us talking to our loved ones, telling them that we were OK, that we had flown the night before.

Arriving in wine country was surreal. The wine train chugged past with people inside sipping and having a nice lunch. We made our way to the inn where Jayne had made our reservations. They had a 4:00pm check in time, and we arrived there around noon. The innkeepers were pleasantly surprised at our arrival, knowing we were coming in from New York and unsure as to when we were flying, whether we could make it, whether or not we were alive. Our room wasn't ready. Our hostess suggested a winery where we could go on a tour while our room was prepared. Not knowing what else to do, we went on the wine tour.

This was one of those inns with no TVs in the rooms, only one in the lobby. There was a guest in the lobby watching the TV. There were two couples from Augusta, Georgia. The right wing Republican husband of one of the two couples sat in the lobby, holding the remote. This guy was going on and on about how his stocks were going down the toilet. I wanted to punch his lights out. The subtext of the shit this guy was spewing as he continued was that New York was a necessary evil because the banks and the stock market were there. I knew that this guy saw my adopted home as a cesspool of niggers and spics and kikes and fags. I thought of the words of a friend of ours: "Lincoln was wrong. The south should have been allowed to secede from the union."

Jayne and I talked for a moment about who we knew at the Trade Center- there were two, a close friend who worked on the 44th floor of Tower One and the father of one of Jayne's co-workers. The prick from Augusta said in the most snide tone-

"Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but there are 50,000 people in there and they're all dead."

I looked at him thinking 'I'll bet you like to be the bearer of bad tidings' but I said nothing. We left the lobby and went outside to look at a koi pond, the huge goldfish helped bring on some needed tranquility.

The rest of the day is now a distant blur.

Unions and Usefulness

2009-09-10T22:40:00.003-04:00

For many years now, I have been hearing people say that unions have outlived their usefulness. That they're corrupt, run by The Mob, The Outfit, The Organization, The Family, and The Other Obscure Euphemism for Organized Crime to be Named Later. This statement is almost always delivered by conservatives.

Yeah, right. Like Enron, Tyco, Wal-Mart and others too numerous to mention have their employees as their first priority. Especially their pensions, their health benefits and the eight hour workday.

I don't know a single person that works full-time that has an eight hour workday. Employee contributions to health plans have ballooned while benefits have shrunk. The U.S.A. is the only industrialized country without a health plan for its citizens. It is the country with the least vacation and sick pay. We have among the highest rates of drug addiction, teen pregnancy, infant mortality and clinical depression.

I attribute much of this to the weakening of the labor movement. This weakening has been a high-level priority of the Republican Party for years, and they have nearly succeeded at it. This goal made great strides in the 1980s under a president that had once been a president of a labor union who conservatives want to put on Mount Rushmore and on coins. One of his first acts as president was to break a union critical to the nation's transportation system. Another highlight of his administration was emptying public mental hospitals, causing homelessness to skyrocket. This president extolled the virtues of the military services while cutting funds to the Veterans Administration.

They tell us that American companies must operate this way in order to remain competitive, while the other nations seem to be doing quite well with their labor force working 8 hour workdays and getting month-long vacations.

People, and I am including me here, are working longer hours for less and less compensation.

I've got nothing funny here, because I can barely lift my eyelids just now. I am working two jobs at more than 50 hours per week and making less than what I made in one full time job. I know I'm not alone here. As I have heard, the economy is starting to go on the upswing and more jobs are starting to be created again. I know about this first hand. I have two of them.

Things Republicans Taught Me

2009-09-08T23:19:00.008-04:00

Today was the first day of school in many parts of the country. Others have already been back to school for a week or two, and here in New York City the first day of school is tomorrow.

Over the past seven years I have worked as a teaching artist in the New York City schools, teaching theater skills and using theatrical techniques in cross curriculum programs. I have developed design based programs that employ drawing and painting that are secretly math lessons. I have taught painting techniques that can be used in high end restaurants and hotels, creating faux finishes. Most of the schools that I have worked in are on the "impact list," a euphemism for places that require more police presence.

In my elementary school years we were told in school to fear and suspect people from other countries, that they were up to no good, that they hated America and Americans for their freedom. I was told by family members that I should never tell anyone that our grandparents were Russian, even though they came here to make a better life and provide us with a better life than they had growing up. People would say that our family were a bunch of pinko commies.

Today, President Obama made a much anticipated speech. This speech upset some people. There were people in many parts of the country that took exception to the President of the United States telling school children lessons of responsibility. They felt that his message was propaganda. They said that President Obama is a pinko commie. That his speech is some skewed opinion to stay in school, value their education and study hard. I know this must be a terrible thing for these people to hear. All their lived they were told things like 'too smart for your own good' and 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.' Now, they have a fear of knowledge.

I don't believe he is a pinko commie. Actually he's pretty much in the middle of the road, now that he's in the White House. Even if he were a pinko commie, he was elected quite handily by a clear majority of voting citizens.

The Republican party has gone from being a thoughtful bunch lead by intelligent people like Everett Dirksen, to being dominated by a shrill pack of hate mongers who believe that it is an expression of patriotism to bring an assault weapon to a town hall meeting. They believe that intimidation of law abiding citizens is a perfectly reasonable method of getting one's point across. They say our President is a pinko commie, and our country is sliding toward a terrible finish. They are telling these things to our young, impressionable school children. I know this, because I received a call from a young, impressionable child. My cousin has school-aged children, and her daughter came home from school crying.

"What's wrong, sweetie?"
"Mrs. Jones told me that President Obama is a pinko commie, and anyone who voted for him was duped, and that America is coming to an end!"
"Mrs. Jones is wrong, and I can prove it. We'll call cousin Rob. He knows about all things pinko commie. He was a pinko himself back in the sixties."

I picked up the phone to a crying child. I knew that it was my mission to put this poor child right. I explained to her that Mrs. Jones was all wet.

"You know that people can say just about anything, and it's not always true. I think that President Obama is right. You should learn as much as you can and evaluate things based on your knowledge. Have you ever heard the expression 'take it with a grain of salt?'"
"Yes, but I don't know what it means."
"Well, how much does a grain of salt weigh?"
"Hardly anything."
"Right. Less than a fly. Well, that's how much weight you should give the opinion of some people."
She brightened immediately. "You're right!"

I went on to drive my point home.

"And isn't that what President Obama's message was? Learn as much as you can so that you can make good decisions based on knowledge and truth? Do you think that's a message of someone who's un-American?"
"No."
"Of course not."

I went further, knowing the child needed to be comforted.

"You know, people like Mrs. Jones are the real enemy."
"Really?"
"I think she should be reported to the F.B.I. and that she should have her taxes audited."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes. Mrs. Jones might even be a deep cover terrorist."

Her eyes grew wide. I could tell this, even on the phone. "Do you really think so?"
"Absolutely!"
"She's dangerous?"
"No question."
"What do you think she might do?"
"Oh, just about anything! I'll bet she's selling nuclear secrets to the North Koreans!"

Let no one say I don't know how to comfort children. I learned it in school from Republicans.

Feeding the Beast

2009-09-07T23:41:00.006-04:00

In my life I have frequently been in close proximity with well known figures. Some friends, some coworkers, some employers. I have seen some of these people portrayed in the tabloid press, some favorable, some not so much.

I don't read the tabloids, and I am unable to understand why anyone does. I don't care about the private lives of public people. Why should I care about Lindsay and Britney and Paris? To do so would be taking too much time and brain power away from things that actually matter, like the dessert topping choices of Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker...

The first time I met a celebrity I was with my parents at Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry. I was looking at the Foucault Pendulum and Dr. Posen was there, explaining the significance of the pendulum and how it proved the earth rotated. Dr. Posen had a science show on WTTW, the educational channel in Chicago, and he was my favorite TV personality at the time. I thought he was the smartest man on earth, and to be in his presence was moving. My other favorite TV personality at that time was P.J. Hoff, the channel two weather guy who drew cartoons on the weather map during his segment while explaining the next incoming cold front. As you can see, even at the age of six or seven my geekdom was already fully developed.

I can remember wondering, when Jennifer Aniston's topless pictures were released why the photographer wasn't arrested as a peeping tom. To get the photographs he had to climb a tree and lay in wait for her to sunbathe in her back yard, surrounded by very high hedges to give her privacy. I have never cared for celebrity photographers, especially the so-called stalkarazzi. I was always amazed by how they could get pictures of celebrities with angry looks on their faces, until I found out that there is a list of celebrities that they want to show in a negative light, and they photograph those on the list in teams- one who screams horrible things at them, and another who takes the picture of the response.

A few years back, my wife worked on the soundtrack for "I Am Sam" and we were invited to the film's premier. It was a red carpet event that had dozens of celebrity photographers. While we were on the red carpet, several of them started yelling "Rob! Rob! Over here!" I smiled and waved, not knowing why they were calling me. I have never thought of myself as a celebrity. For good reason. I'm not one. We were both mystified, until I turned around and saw that Rob Thomas was walking in behind me.

I bring this up, because over the past few days I have been thinking about the cult of celebrity. It's very big business. Magazines and television shows dedicated to celebrity gossip are everywhere.

My current interest was spurred by the story of two chiefs of police in Ohio under indictment for breaking and entering a woman's home, and stealing personal items. This woman had agreed to be a surrogate mother for Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker. The police chiefs then tried to sell the items to a photographer employed by a tabloid. The items included the surrogacy agreement, pictures of pregnancy ultrasounds and other things related to the surrogacy story. The police chiefs were angered by the price offered for the stolen items. The photographers stated that they just wanted to know the whereabouts of the woman so that they could take her picture.

The two police chiefs, former partners in a small town police department, invented the excuse that they were in her home because they found the door open and decided to investigate. If that were true, then why did they take items from the woman's home, and why were they trying to sell the items?

The trial is about to begin. It will soon come out what forces were at work to motivate two chiefs of police to allegedly commit a robbery. Was it just as simple as desire for money? Was it because some feeling about celebrity and fame? We may never know. But one thing is sure: The crime has made the two police chiefs the fodder of celebrity press.

Food for Thought

2009-09-04T23:51:00.007-04:00

I'm torn. I can't choose between a couple of items that caught my interest in today's New York Times. Should I write about two chiefs of police that broke into a woman's home to steal items that they thought would bring a nice price from supermarket tabloids? Should I write about a group of the nations largest food food manufacturers pushing the Food and Drug Administration to approve a program to "help shoppers easily identify smarter food and beverage choices" that would suggest that Coco Krispies and Froot Loops constitute a healthy breakfast? Decisions, decisions.

At times in my past, I have subscribed to a list of conspiracy theories, some of them plausible, some pretty much out of left field. Sometimes theories out of left field turned out to be fact.

I know that, just like all other everyday Americans, the food industry is just trying to make a few hundred billion. That said, I have to wonder if the foodies are now in league with the druggies and the health insurance executives in pushing unhealthy food to complete the cycle. First unhealthy food, making people need to go to the doctor, making doctors prescribe drugs, giving insurance companies the opportunity to overcharge the public.

Is this a conspiracy to completely transform the American people into sheep to be lined up to shear and then slaughter? Wait a minute- could the funeral industry be involved as well?

Look at the nice, bright green check marks on the labels telling us that the mayonnaise that is the highest in fat content is the best to spread on processed white flour based bread to hold processed baloney and American cheese and iceberg lettuce is an excellent lunch. Keep eating it, it's healthy. Just don't look in the mirror or worry about needing a new wardrobe of ever increasing size garments.

Are we just thinking meat to these people? Of course we are. That is what we are in just about every facet of the American economy. We are here to provide for industry, both as tool of manufacture and mouth for consumption of what's produced. Wake up. Look around. The evidence is everywhere.

Tomorrow- celebrity obsession and two chiefs of police.

A New Think Tank for Compassion and Responsibility

2009-09-03T22:38:00.006-04:00

In the electronic pages of today's New York Times I found the following gem. George W. Bush is starting a think tank. This organization will "promote policies and programs rooted in the core ideals of freedom, opportunity, responsibility and compassion."

The former Governor of Texas often talks about compassion. His actions belie his words. During the campaign for the presidency in 2000, the Texas Governor was questioned about his state's incredible efficiency in the use of the death penalty. Since 1976 the state of Texas has had 37.5% of all executions in the United States. The state of Texas by itself has had more executions than most nations. The only places on earth that execute more prisoners than the United States are The People's Republic of China, Iran and Saudi Arabia. After the U.S. is Pakistan and following Pakistan is everyone else.

The People's Republic of China, Iran, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. Great company to be in. What a gentleman's club. And yet it is our government, especially while occupied by the former Governor of Texas, that somehow finds the strength to finger-wag our fellow club members about human rights. We have the strength to do this because we use lethal injection instead of beheading. Beheading takes much more physical effort. We are, after all, largely flabby and out of shape.

During the election of 2000 the death penalty was a hot topic. The Innocence Project had uncovered a number prisoners on death row who had not had fair trails, and several of these prisoners turned out to be innocent. When questioned about Texas' death row, Governor Bush stated that all prisoners on death row in Texas were guilty. A reporter suggested that prisoners undergo DNA tests to prove this once and for all. His response was to reiterate that they were all guilty, and that DNA tests were an unnecessary burden and expense. According to the former Governor of Texas DNA tests were too expensive.

State after state that has had studies commissioned on the relative cost of the death penalty has found that the death penalty costs ten to twenty times that of life imprisonment without parole. The added costs are in trials, appeals, and special high security housing of death row inmates.

Let me point out a fact to Mr. Think Tank. If someone is mistakenly executed, that's all, folks. If someone is imprisoned for life and it is later discovered that a flawed justice system made an error, you can let the guy go. That would be something called compassionate. It would also be called the responsible thing to do.

Let me further point out to Mr. Think Tank that in our time of financial need, death row costs the death penalty states a great deal of needed capital that could be better spent on its free, law abiding citizens. That would also be both compassionate and responsible.

This year in the United States there has been an average of one execution per week. Texas, as usual, leads all states in numbers of prisoners executed. It has been recently proven that at least two men executed in Texas were innocent. One of these two were executed while the former Governor of Texas was sitting in the Texas State House in Austin.

He ran on a law and order tough cowboy image to gain the governorship. He had no interest in proving innocence of anyone on Texas' death row because he believed it would have tarnished his image, and imperfection of the legal system is an uncomfortable subject. This is his idea of responsibility. The bottom line is the former Governor of Texas effectively had an innocent man put to death for political gain. This is his idea of compassion.

More on Biblical Revisions

2009-09-02T22:11:00.009-04:00

Yesterday's story has nagged at me all day. I recall from my core curriculum at Loyola University of Chicago my first required theology class.

I had to take three theology classes. Looking at the list of choices, I spotted "Old Testament" and leaped at it. I was the only Jew in the class. My professor had a PhD. in scripture and could speak several ancient languages. He had written his thesis about ancient scriptures, and had done his research by reading the actual scrolls in their original languages. The man was truly fascinating.

It was in his class that I was informed that the Old Testament was written over a thousand year period, from roughly 1500 B.C. to 500 B.C., and had most likely been written in three different locations and compiled. He was able to determine this by the use of words for the Deity. At different points, he informed me, the Deity was referred to as The Lord, at others God and at still others as Lord God. He also told me (and I have no reason to doubt him) that the Old Testament was handed down through memorization from father to son for hundreds of years before it was written down, the advent of written language being long after the origination of most of the text. In the beginning, much of the Old Testament was composed in the days of hieroglyphics.

He also informed our class that the early versions of the New Testament were translated by people who did not necessarily have full command of the language that they were translating the text into.

I bring this up because the Bible has been translated several times. The Old Testament was passed down by word of mouth for hundreds of years, the New Testament translated and re-translated several times. Now we see that Evangelicals have been tinkering with the text for whatever reason, more than once. This time they say it's to make the text more gender-neutral.

Since the Word of God has been thoroughly messed with by imperfect humans several times, I am left with the feeling that nobody in today's world has the first clue as to what the original text is. I have also been told too many times to calculate that humans are not capable of understanding the true Word of God or God's plan.

In this light, I must state in print what I have stated in person to whomever would listen. Anyone who states that they know or understand the Word of God is either a charlatan or needs to seek professional mental help. This is why I am basically an agnostic. No priest, reverend, rabbi or mullah has any business of telling anyone what is on God's mind. And yet they do. Someone without a divinity degree from a respected institution that does the same is usually put in an insane asylum for the good of society.

And so I must go back to the fact that the elders of the Evangelical movement feel they are capable of writing revisions in the Bible, and that they have done this more than once. I should add that the elders are far from united in this effort, and that there is a group that are against doing any tinkering. Why not? The New Testament has been tinkered with for at least 1700 years and the Old Testament that has been in existence since it has been written down is very likely inaccurate.

Finally, the first part of the headline of the news story stated "Best Selling." The Bible is the best selling book in human history. Someone with a jaded eye may surmise that this is the bottom line. A best seller that has had revisions will likely be just as big a seller as the original version, the true believers would be wanting to make comparisons and evaluate the differences.

With that in mind, I must ask the Evangelicals involved in this effort- how many of God's trees are you going to kill for this?

Irony

2009-09-02T00:00:00.002-04:00

Words can't describe the thousands of thoughts that rush by when seeing the headline:

Best Selling Bible for Conservative Evangelists to Undergo Revisions

The people who say that the Bible is God's word have decided to rewrite it. Because they know better. Because the revisions that they wrote twenty-five years ago were wrong.

I don't even know where to start. What can one say?

A New Role for Mr. Warm & Cuddly

2009-08-31T23:56:00.006-04:00

In today’s New York Times and, I am quite confident in writing, many other news outlets, was another angry statement from the former congressman from Wyoming, Defense Secretary for George H.W. Bush (a.k.a. Bush 41), and Vice President of the bloodless coup of 2000.

Other than the recent phenomena of Al Gore, Vice Presidents that aren't running for the top spot usually fade off. Dan Quayle is a subject of annual “where are they now” columns. This man has been running his mouth so much, there is a FaceBook club dedicated to telling him to shut the hell up.

Sunday morning on Fox News, Dick Cheney went on at length about how C.I.A. officers should be allowed to use a “full range of interrogation techniques” and that officers who “strayed outside Justice Department rules of interrogation” should be afforded legal protection because they worked in good faith to protect American lives.

These techniques included not only water boarding, but threatening prisoners with a gun and a drill, and hanging them by their hands tied behind their backs. Some other, even less charming techniques employed included threats to sexually assault family members of prisoners. Over and over again it has been proven that someone being tortured will pretty much say anything that they think their captors want to hear in order to stop the torture. These statements are not used in court because they are not reliable as truth.

It seems that Dick Cheney’s new occupation is that of meddler. This man is obviously bored and needs something to do. I have something else for him to do, something that he is most eminently qualified to do, and do convincingly.

I have been observing Mr. Cheney for over twenty-five years. As he ages, Mr. Cheney more and more resembles Max Schreck in his most famous role, Count Orlok in “Nosferatu, a Symphony of Terror.” Some speculate that he was bitten by a mosquito involved in a nuclear accident, just as Peter Parker was bitten by a spider in similar circumstances. Of course by ‘some’ I mean me, for the purposes of this scholarly, highly respected research periodical.

Mr. Cheney should join the cast of True Blood. He’s perfect for it. He already sleeps in a coffin with dirt imported from Transylvania.

Small Items in the Corners

2009-08-27T23:37:00.004-04:00

Today’s New York Daily News was dominated with coverage on the life of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, but there were other stories. The gems are often small items that make up one or two column inches and are referred to in the newspaper business as “fillers” They are usually found at the bottom of a page or in corners under a story that didn’t take up enough space to fill a column or a page.

I love filler stories. One of my favorites years ago was about a farming community in Czechoslovakia. There was a melon field that was being pilfered consistently. The farmers decided to inject several remaining melons with a powerful laxative to discover who the thief was. It turned out that the guilty party was a herd of elk that, after ingesting some of the treated melons, walked through town during the night and deposited the effects of the trap. The best laid plans…

Some of the stories were longer than fillers, but I have decided to summarize them as though they were.

Mark Sanford stated that he will not step down from the governorship of South Carolina. Instead he will move his office, making it more convenient to hike the Appalachian Trail while in an apartment in Buenos Aires.

The Democratic Mayoral Debate for the New York City primary took place. To summarize: Tony Avella and William Thompson both announced that they don’t like Mayor Bloomberg, and that there should still be term limits. How did they differentiate themselves from each other? Tony Avella said he didn’t like Bloomberg more than Thompson didn’t like Bloomberg. The funniest part of the story is that the Daily News made a logo for this- two boxing gloves over boldface caps: BRAWL for the HALL. It’s more like the pillow fight for the La-Z-Boy…

Hit and run driver Mark St. Pierre intentionally rammed several cars, injuring thirteen and killing one. Police say St. Pierre was in a rage after having a fight with his girlfriend while having dinner at a Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant. WAIT A MINUTE! A DATE at a CHUCK E. CHEESE’S restaurant??? I’m figuring she probably called him an asshole and a cheap, tasteless bastard for taking her to Chuck E. Cheese’s, setting off the rampage.

A taxi driver who struck and killed a pedestrian in a crosswalk had five moving violations in less than two years, mostly for running stop signs and red lights. The Taxi and Limousine Commission stated that they had no idea the driver had this driving record, that they would have pulled his license if they knew, and blamed the Department of Motor Vehicles for not informing the TLC. Yo! DMV and TLC! There are these things that are found in offices of government agencies called COMPUTERS, and they can TALK TO EACH OTHER over this new-fangled thing called the INTERNET… Can it be possible that nobody ever thought that the TLC might need the driving records of the 100,000 drivers who hold chauffeur's licenses? Any New York City pedestrian can tell you that the driving records of the city’s cab, car service and limo drivers do not appear to be a high priority.

There were other stories that will be covered in the near future, but it's late.

Bob Dylan to Cover Standards

2009-08-26T13:28:00.006-04:00

Bob Dylan is releasing a Christmas album. There will be no original poetry from the voice of a generation. Instead, Bob Dylan will be covering such tunes as "Here Comes Santa Claus," "Winter Wonderland" and "Little Drummer Boy."

Dylan will be donating all of the proceeds of the album to charities that deal with hunger. The U.S. album sales will be donated to Feeding America, in perpetuity. Overseas sales proceeds will be donated to overseas charities, also who deal with hunger and famine.

I find this to be among the most honorable of projects that I have ever encountered. In my senior year of high school, I was on the organizing committee of the second annual hunger hike. This was a nationwide effort, and I'm very proud to say that the hike that I helped organize was one of the most successful in the country. On May 9, 1971 in Skokie, IL, we had a turnout that police estimated between 90,000 to 100,000 participants, raising well over a million dollars, 42.5% going to Chicago area coops and food pantries and 42.5% going to projects outside of Illinois, some in Appalachia, some in Africa. Fifteen percent went to administrative costs. Everyone on our committee was a volunteer, and it took months of work to achieve these results.

That said, I'm confident in stating that I will not buy this Dylan album. I have absolutely no desire to hear Bob Dylan sing "Little Drummer Boy" or any other Christmas song, for that matter. I cringe at the thought of a Bob Dylan arrangement of "Sleigh Ride," "Oh Holy Night" or "Carole of the Bells," fearing it will sound like "Hurricane" or "Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts." Not buying the CD will hardly be a guarantee that this won't be inflicted upon me. I will probably not be able to avoid hearing this. The holidays are not too far off, and Americans everywhere will shortly be bombarded with a wide variety of hideous versions of songs that I tired of years ago.

A CD that has a retail list price of eighteen bucks would have the artist's royalty of about fifteen percent ($2.70) for a new artist, maybe as much as twenty five percent ($4.50) for someone of Dylan's stature. The rest of the money is split between the record label, the distributor and the retailer.

If you think that Dylan's cause is a good one, and it is, send your eighteen bucks directly to the charity and spare your ears.

Senator Edward Kennedy

2009-08-26T12:22:00.005-04:00

Over the next few days, a parade of politicians and pundits will pontificate proudly about their relationship with the late Senator Edward Kennedy and how much they will miss the senior senator. Some will be genuine. Others will be pretentious pricks preening in prime time.

I always had tremendous respect for Senator Kennedy's record in the legislature. Lefty Liberal that I am also has me agreeing with most of his public stances. Unfortunately his personal life stopped him from getting to the White House- or is it unfortunate? His public record with womanizing and alcohol abuse kept him from reaching the top job, but his incredibly long tenure in the Senate had him accomplishing more than almost any president one can name. If there were a Mount Rushmore for titans of the Senate, Edward Kennedy's face would surely be put on it.

Anytime a huge political figure reaches the end of life, those who regularly raked that person over the coals in life have an instant turn-around while in the presence of a television camera. It shouldn't be difficult to look through the speeches, statements and op ed pieces to pick out the hypocrites from the genuine, but nobody does this research, or if they do, they don't feel it worth mentioning.

Senator Kennedy was a public figure that seemed to be a magnet for cheap shot criticism, in the halls of congress and its back offices and meeting rooms, in the pages of newspapers and magazines, on late night television, and in comedy clubs. How many of these people who sought to earn notoriety by publicly kicking Senator Kennedy will be lining up to now publicly cry and tear at their hair and clothes and bleat on about how much he will be missed? It will probably number in the dozens, possibly in the hundreds.

It is said that the two things in life that can't be avoided are death and taxes. You can add self-serving babbling at memorials and funerals to the list.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

2009-08-25T23:47:00.005-04:00

The above phrase, originally attributed to Benjamin Disraeli and later recycled by Mark Twain came to my attention this evening. While scouring the press for something to catch my eye, my eyes rested over and over again on the future of Plaxico Burress. Articles in many papers and electronic outlets are already speculating about his return.

The gifted athlete was on ESPN telling his side of the story. He says he almost died. Of stupidity. He's about to surrender to authorities having plead guilty of illegal gun possession. This is a settlement, a reduction of charges. Originally included, among other things, was unlawful discharge of a weapon. In his own leg. A crack shot, that Mr. Burress.

I am reminded of the writings of one of my influences in this project that I have thrust upon myself. I read Mike Royko daily, first in the Chicago Daily News, then the Sun-Times when the Daily News went the way of the rest of the afternoon papers in the land of the brave and the home of the free. I even read him in the Chicago Tribune when Royko left in a huff when the Sun-Times was bought by Rupert Murdoch. Mike Royko had an annual "Gun Owner of the Year" award column, where he had his own sort of 'top ten list' long before David Letterman was on the air. One of these gun owners was the sort who was never going to let the criminal element get HIM! He kept his gun under his pillow. One night, tired and half asleep, he saw something moving at the foot of his bed. He grabbed his gun and blasted at the suspected sneak thief, shooting off his big toe. Yup, he bagged the interloper all right. That toe would never sneak up on HIM! But I digress...

Plaxico Burress has joined the parade of convicted NFL stars. About ten years ago a book named "Pros and Cons" was released, documenting the huge number of NFL players with criminal records. While on a film set in Los Angeles I looked at this book, borrowing it briefly from a fellow film worker during a lunch break. There was an appendix that had the names of current (as I say, this was ten years ago) players with rap sheets, and their crimes. Twenty-five percent had arrest records. Twenty-one percent for felonies. Some of the players listed had one DUI, but many had a large number of offenses far more serious. Lots of spousal abuse, assault and battery, and minor drug charges. Some players had arrests for auto theft, armed robbery, bank robbery, sexual assault, rape and even manslaughter.

I just did a little bit of research on this subject and was highly amused to find a 2007 article in the San Diego Union-Tribune where the NFL defends itself on its record of rewarding criminals who can play the game. Here is a quote from the article:

The NFL said the study unfairly included criminal incidents in college and that their rate of arrests is no different than, say, a group of plumbers.

Ok, so the armed assaults, auto thefts, bank robberies, and sexual assaults, were merely youthful indiscretions.

I'm under the impression that lots of plumbers are NFL fans, and would probably object to being compared to PacMan Jones' rap sheet and Reggie Lewis' being suspected as being involved in a double murder, case dropped for insufficient evidence. Being a dog owner myself, I don't even want to get into the subject of Michael Vick. I can't speak rationally on the subject. I don't know any plumbers who could be compared to these three. The plumbers I know are hard working people. They don't nearly make the money of even a first year fifth round draft pick who barely made the team.

The article went on to say that the twenty-one percent statistic of NFL felons did not take into consideration that really only a small percentage of active players committed crimes while signed to an NFL contract, and that a more accurate statistic would be more like one in forty-five players, about one per team, and the rate of DUI busts was more like one out of 144 players. The NFL players are just like everybody else. Like you, like your plumber, your mechanic, maybe even your kid's school teacher.

Still, this statistic is twice the national average. So, according to NFL statistics, the rate of criminality among active players while under contract is not so bad, only double that of the rest of the country.

Yes indeed. They're just like everybody else. According to them. Americans everywhere make an average salary of a million bucks and beat their wives. I know this is true because someone from the commissioner's office told me so.

Pearls Missed from Over the Weekend

2009-08-25T20:26:00.002-04:00

On Friday I was called to a meeting that I didn’t expect, taking up the time I had set aside to write this column. This meeting was from one of my employers. Since I have yet to collect any earnings writing these pieces, I placed a higher priority in this meeting than in writing this column.

Here are some musings on some of the subjects that I missed-

Item One: News flash- Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that pharmaceutical companies don’t make all that much money. I suppose that earnings are a matter of perspective. For instance, when I was eight years old and had an allowance of a dollar a week and a kid down the street’s allowance was five bucks, to me that kid was rich. After all, he could get ONE HUNDRED PACKS of baseball cards with fossilized bubble gum EVERY WEEK to my twenty. I knew it would be a ridiculous expense to buy twenty packs of baseball cards. I would have nothing left for trips to Dairy Queen. I would have to look for soda bottles at the side of the road and hope they were intact. After all, you wouldn’t get the two cents if the bottle was broken.

Mayor Bloomberg is worth well over nine billion dollars. That’s $9,000,000,000.00. To a guy who’s worth nine billion, the earnings of the president of a pharmaceutical company must look like the change the mayor loses in the couch cushions. It took a short time for the mayor to retract this statement, probably after a brief conversation about relative earnings with his valet.

Item Two: The Lockerbie bomber was released. I have nothing funny to say about this, but I’m moved to make a statement. I like Scotland. I like Scottish people. I have spent time in Scotland and have always wanted to attend or even perform in the Edinburgh Festival. That said, the U.S. government and its citizens need to see Kenny MacAskill publicly fired. Mr. MacAskill has stated that the release of Mohmed Al Megrahi was his doing and his alone. Yo, Kenny! How about the ticker tape parade he got in Tripoli when he got off the plane? Was that your idea as well? Mr. MacAskill referred to this hero’s welcome as ‘unfortunate.’ Really, Kenny? The hero’s welcome was the unfortunate part of this? How about the complete abortion of justice? This bastard has the blood of 270 innocent people on his hands, 189 of them Americans. All these people did was get on a plane. I think that my love of Scotland notwithstanding, I am moved to propose a tariff of 189% on each Scottish made item on American shelves in American stores, effective immediately, for a period of at least 189 months after the death of Al Megrahi. If the people of Scotland were to get upset about the huge loss in income they would suffer for this, they should bill Mr. MacAskill, his children and grandchildren the sum of their losses. I’m sure that there are other American citizens that would consider my proposal as insignificant babblings of a bleeding heart liberal, that Kenny MacAskill should be publicly killed, and that the tariff should last for 189 years.

Item Three: The people who are carrying assault rifles to the public appearances of President Obama need some kind of therapy. Possibly anger management. Possibly sensitivity training. Possibly five years of solitary confinement followed by five years of hard labor. They seem to think of themselves as patriots. Sure. Patriot is often the title given to someone who brings a loaded weapon to a town hall meeting in an attempt to intimidate a legally and popularly elected official. These patriots should be awarded something, like maybe a nice vacation in the Caribbean. I hear there’s room at Guantanimo.

Sunday Events and Rule Breaking

2009-08-24T15:20:00.012-04:00

On Sundays I usually spend the day with my wife and our large hound. We began the day with a relaxing walk, only to discover that the hound had gotten into something bad, and was having a bout with diarrhea. Thankfully we had extra bags to clean the sidewalk, and even more thankfully none of the bags tore.

It was during this walk that we got a call from a friend who had tickets for the Mets-Phillies game at Citi Field, the Mets new home. We are both baseball fans, though not fans of the Mets or the Phillies, but we had yet to pay a visit to the new ballpark, so we jumped at the opportunity. A few weeks ago I had been offered tickets to a game there, but the game was rained out, and the game that we traded the tickets for (against my home town team, the Cubs) isn't for another two weeks. This would be my first game there.

We discussed our nervousness at leaving the poor pup alone in her condition, and came to the agreement that we didn't really have to stay for the whole game, not having anything in particular at stake in the outcome. Now let me state here that normally, leaving a game early is a huge violation of personal rules. As Yogi Berra would say- "it aint over til it's over," and truer words were never spoken.

Since it was a last minute event we were unprepared for the game. Usually we make grilled chicken sandwiches and pick up a bag of chips and one or two liters of water to bring with, avoiding the overpriced ballpark fare. The game was to start at 1:10pm and we didn't even get the tickets until 12:15. The ride of the 7 train got us there about five minutes after the first pitch.

The new ballpark is a thing of beauty. It looks like the old Ebbets Field as you get off the train. Walk into the main entrance and find yourself in the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, a tribute to the hall of fame infielder, race relations pioneer, civil rights leader and humanitarian. It's all about Jackie Robinson and the old Brooklyn Dodgers. Not a Met player to be seen (and that's fine with me, still being angry about 1969, the Cubs' crumble and the infamous Labor Day weekend series where a Met player smuggled a black cat into Shea Stadium that ran across the field to the Cubs' dugout, starting the September Swoon).

Jayne needed to visit the ladies' room and I took a look at the field. I heard the crack of a bat followed by crowd groans. I saw three men in Phillies uniforms circling the bases and I looked at the scoreboard. There were no outs in the first inning and the Mets were already down three-zip. By the time we got to our seats the Phillies were up by six before the Mets were to take their first swings. We sat down, and the player leading off for the Mets slammed the ball to the left field wall. The Phillies' outfielder had misplayed it, leading to a clean inside-the-park home run. An inside-the-park home run is rare. Normally if someone makes it all the way around the bases on one hit an error or even two are involved. I have probably been to 500 or more major league games and I have only witnessed an inside-the-park home run two times.

Seeing a game with nothing personally at stake is very relaxing. We were sitting with Andy, a friend of ours and Jake, his nine-year-old son. Jake is a baseball fanatic and spends long hours reading record books. He is already a walking encyclopaedia of baseball, rattling off statistics of games and players from long before he was born. He knows the Mets team roster, name and number, and all of their major league stats. He and I sat together, which was non-stop entertainment.

Andy and Jake had to leave at the seventh inning to make it to a birthday party. Jake as torn about this- wanting to attend his friends' party but not wanting to leave the game. I completely understood this. Jake already feels the same as I do about staying for the full contest. I have been to games that have been five hour marathons, extra innings, rain delays, you name it. Of the approximately 500 games I have been to I can count how many I left early on one hand. Yesterday was one of those games.

I had two good excuses for leaving early. The first being a well grounded fear of arriving home to find a horrifying mess, and not wanting to be away from the poorly feeling hound for too long. I needed to get home and take the poor pup out. The second excuse was that the game appeared to be out of reach, and I really didn't care who won anyway. Jayne and I were in the process of walking around the park, doing some exploring for the next time we go, two weeks hence to see my beloved Cubs. We had to see where Shake Shack was. We had to find the imported beer booth. Yes, I'm a beer snob- I lived in Europe. American mass produced beer is brewed through a horse. You think the Budweiser Clydesdales just pull the wagon? No! First, they drink large amounts of water while eating hops and barley- but, I digress...

So the game was going into the 9th inning and Jayne says something about finding a seat near the exit to watch the last inning. All I can think of is our poor Torre crossing her legs and doing the bathroom dance and losing the battle. I say- "let's just go home."

Jayne is shocked at this. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, let's go."
"You know, we can stay, it's only one inning."
"Nah- we can go."

So we get on the train and start to head back to Manhattan, Yogi's voice ringing in my head. Ten minutes after we left the game ended on an unassisted triple play. In over 130 years of major league baseball this was only the fifteenth such occurrence. I can't believe it. It was like missing Halley's Comet.

I arrived home to find no mess, no emergency. I kick myself. This game that I didn't care about opened with an inside-the-park home run and ended with an unassisted triple play.

I always believe that anytime I walk into a major league baseball park I might see something rare and magical, and I am frequently rewarded. I once saw a game that the Cubs were down nine to nothing in the sixth inning and came back to win it ten-nine in ten innings. Anything can happen. I know this. Yes, Yogi, it aint over til it's over. I promise I'll remember this next time.

That's Entertainment...

2009-08-20T22:51:00.003-04:00

I grew up in Chicago. My father worked for the old Chicago Daily News, which was bought by the Chicago Sun-Times. He had job security, and worked for both newspapers selling advertising space. All employees got a free paper. My father brought home the Daily News and Sun-Times every day. I learned to read by reading the newspaper. My first job was delivering newspapers. One could say I have printer's ink in my veins.

In the late 70s I began working in theater, and my first good job was working on The Goodman Theater's first production of "A Christmas Carol." Del Close was the ghost of Christmas present. We hit it off and he invited me to participate in his workshop at The Second City, and I was eventually hired by The Second City, first as a bartender.

Not long after my hiring my bosses learned that I had stage management experience and had a good feel for improvisation, and I was promoted to being tour manager of the National Touring Company of The Second City. Not long after that, The Second City opened the back room theater, The Second City e.t.c., and I became the stage manager of the founding resident company of the e.t.c. space. We wrote original shows, satirizing current events and pop culture. I began to read four newspapers per day, constantly searching for items that we could make fun of.

Chicago politics is notorious. I thought things couldn't get any better, being paid to read the newspaper and make fun of people and events in the paper. National news outlets constantly say Chicago politics is the dirtiest in the country, and no city or state could outdo our local politicos. Not true.

I have been in New York City for nine years now, and I have come to believe that New York politics is at least as dirty and pathetic as Chicago politics. This year has been a goldmine of stuff to make fun of. My chief difficulty in coming up with fodder for a daily piece is choosing what to write about. There's no lack of material.

Today the mayoral race has caught my attention. It seems that William Thompson, currently the city's comptroller and a mayoral candidate, has hired a pretty large number of people to manage the city's various pension funds. It seems that these funds have not been performing all that well. Other cities' pension funds are dong much better, with a smaller number of paid money managers involved. Mayor Bloomberg pointed this out, along with the previous stated fact that Mr. Thompson has hired a number of people to do this for him, and that they are being paid quite well.

I'm not exactly going out on a limb when I state that New York City is one of the financial centers of the world. It would follow that it shouldn't be too difficult to find someone skilled at money managing who could oversee the pension funds and see to it that they grow. I believe that such a money manager would be the city's comptroller. OH YEAH! William Thompson IS the city's comptroller! And so it appears that Mr. Thompson has hired a number of people to do his job, and that they pretty much suck at it.

Mr. Thompson defended himself by stating that Mayor Bloomberg suggested hiring most of these people, and that if the pensions are underperforming, Mr. Bloomberg is as much at fault, if not more, than he (Mr. Thompson) is.

Let me put this in plain English. Mr. Thompson has basically said "If I suck, it's because I took your advice!"

It won't be long before the Mayoral debates take place. A few more weeks of this penetrating high level discourse will likely degenerate to "I know you are but what am I?" Along with some exchanges that begin "I'm rubber, you're glue..."

Election day is still more than two months away. There's plenty of time for things to get worse, funnier and more pathetic. I can't wait.

A Family Company

2009-08-19T13:26:00.010-04:00

For the past two days I have been looking closely at The Walt Disney Company. They are a family company. They own the happiest place on earth, so they tell us. They also own Disney Studios, Touchstone Pictures, Mirimax Films, Pixar Animation Studios, Disney Theme Parks, ABC Television, ABC Family Television, ABC News, The Disney Channel, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN News, ESPNU, ESPN Deportes, ESPN International, Walt Disney Records, Hollywood Records, Lyric Street Records, ESPN Radio, ESPN The Magazine, ESPN Zone Theme Restaurants, SOAPnet, Stage 9 Digital Media, Disney Theatricals (producers of Broadway show versions of Disney produced films), and Hyperion Books, along with The Walt Disney Internet Group, which includes Disney.com, Family.com and Movies.com, along with a few other things too numerous to mention here.

I first started paying close attention to The Walt Disney Company when I when I was a child, watching "The Mickey Mouse Club" in the afternoons when I got home from school. I was a big fan of many Disney movies and animation shorts. As I matured I became more of a fan of Warner Bros. animation, then later studied Winsor McKay and Max Fleischer, but that's a subject for another day.

The Walt Disney Company has been having a bit of a losing streak at its Theme Park Division. The economic down turn has reduced the tourism business tremendously and attendance is down. Three fatal accidents in Disney owned theme parks in the last two months in Florida hasn't helped much as well. Disney is, once again, having an image problem.

A few years back their image problem stemmed from an honest desire to protect their brand, which went totally out of control when some lawyer at the corporate office brought suit against a day care center for having a picture of Donald Duck posted in public view, demanding a huge licensing fee. As one might imagine, the public at large didn't take a kind view to a multi-billion dollar behemoth attacking a small preschool over something so trivial as that.

Their latest image problem is just beginning. It has come to my attention that a Disney owned network is about to broadcast a series thought to be family fare, featuring a known criminal. I am, of course, talking about "Dancing with the Stars."

It seems that The Walt Disney Company, ABC Television, and "Dancing with the Stars" believes that Tom DeLay is a star, a role model, and a nice family guy. I'm guessing shooting days of the show will be scheduled in between court appearances. Here are just some of the highlights of his resume:

Misuse of Federal Investigative Agencies: During a legislative conflict in his native Texas, the Congressman, citing the Department of Homeland Security, ordered the FAA to search for an airplane chartered by Texas state representatives and demanded the FBI arrest these same legislators, all Democrats opposed to a redistricting plan to gerrymander the Texas legislature, redrawing district lines to make said districts have a Republican majority. He also attempted to direct the U.S. Marshals, the Texas office of the U.S. Attorney, and the Air and Marine Interdiction Coordination Center (a bureau dedicated to stopping smuggling and terrorism operations) in this effort to arrest the group of Democratic legislators.

Reprimanded by the House Ethics Committee: Congressman DeLay spearheaded the K Street Project, an attempt to penalize lobbying companies who hired known Democrats, pressuring the companies to hire only Republicans, effectively creating a blacklist. Restraint of Trade as a political bludgeon.

Just plain meddling in something that was none of his business: The Terry Schiavo case. Congressman DeLay was behind the Palm Sunday weekend convening a quorum of Congress to insert themselves into the Schiavo case. In addition, while speaking about the removal of the unfortunate Ms. Schiavo's feeding tube, Congressman DeLay was accused of endorsing violence in the wake of a series of high-profile violent crimes and death threats against judges when he said, "The men responsible will have to answer to their behavior." DeLay's comments came shortly after the February 28, 2005 homicide of the mother and husband of Chicago Judge Joan Lefkow, and the March 11, 2005 killing of Atlanta Judge Rowland Barnes. After considerable pressure, Congressman DeLay retracted that statement.

Still not fully investigated: The former Congressman is up to his neck in the Jack Abramoff scandal, and that would take weeks of postings to just skim the surface of that mess.

So with such a role model appearing on "Dancing with the Stars," I can't imagine that the former Congressman was the first choice for this role. The producers of "Dancing with the Stars" must have known that using Mr. DeLay could be a bit sticky. Surely there was someone else that has some musical ability and is an equally high profile individual. Someone with charisma and a huge built-in following. But it turns out that Phil Spector is unavailable.

Fall TV Line-up on the Bravo Channel

2009-08-18T15:03:00.003-04:00

I am now ready to admit that, like many other titans of sofa journalism which is also known as Starbuck's Coffee Shop and/or barroom punditry, I have a huge secret army of deep cover operatives. Go ahead, prove me wrong. You can't. So take my word for it and live a life looking over your shoulder.

One of these operatives has uncovered the upcoming programming list for the Bravo Channel, formerly a tasteful arts channel somewhat like Ovation TV, now attempting to re-brand itself as catering to a ten percent segment of American society that's growing in power and long established in buying power.

Anyone who questions the descriptions as tasteless and wishes to assail me with accusations of intolerance should know that this is a direct verbatim copy of the secured document.

Monday night:

8:00pm- Real Housewives of Butte, Montana: Five real housewives: Anne- auto mechanic to the Mayor, Julie, a Sunday school teacher with a dark secret, Cathy, saleswoman at Doc Brown’s marital aids, Mary-Beth, an aging biker chick with green teeth, and Velveeta, a transvestite.

9:00pm- Top Chef, Leavenworth. Premier episode with feature competition for best execution of lamb on a shank.

10:00pm- Guess Who’s Not Gay. Twelve metro-sexual men are evaluated by three judges- Former Senator Larry Craig, former Congressman Mark Foley and Carson Kressley. Contestants will be put through elimination challenges and viewers will vote weekly via text messaging. Last remaining contestant will win a cash prize and gets a makeover, a subscription to Muscle and Fitness and have his closets redone by designers from The Container Store.

Tuesday night:

8:00pm- Fashion Police, Special Victims Unit: A special detail based in New York’s Garment District busts people for buying designer knock-offs, uncovers sweat shops in Chinatown, and publicly ridicules tourists from Indiana for hideous taste.

9:00pm- Cute Puppies: That’s it. One hour of cute puppies. No plot, writers or paid cast needed.

10:00pm- Drags, Fag Hags and Bags: Women who tip the scales dish with drag queens, then swap clothes and go purse shopping.

Wednesday night:

8:00pm- Top Chef, Fort Bragg North Carolina: Premier episode will feature competition making creamed chipped beef on dry toast and a speed potato peeling challenge. Loser will have to mop the floor of all barrack latrines with his own toothbrush.

9:00pm- Book Beat: The editorial staffs of The National Review and The Nation dress as pro wrestlers and assault each other, using the Encyclopaedia Britannica as bludgeoning instruments.

10:00pm- The Blue Collar Matchmaker: Premier episode dedicated to finding an attractive storefront hairdresser for Joe Sixpack, a commonly referenced plumber and TV political loudmouth.

Thursday night:

8:00pm- Boarding School: A fun-filled hour of obnoxious snot-nosed over-privileged brats that you just want to throttle. First episode has brats creating a game out of belittling school kitchen staff for points.

9:00pm- Project Resale: Contestants are let loose in a Salvation Army store, and vie to obtain an entire wardrobe for under $50. Winner each week gets an extra $15 to spend.

10:00pm- Reruns of old Kathy Griffin shows.

Friday night:

8:00pm- Top Chef: Burger World. Contestants take things out of the freezer and deep fry them. Other contestants operate the shake machine and measure ice cubes.

9:00pm- Censored and Pixilated: Rebroadcasts of Taxicab Confessions and The L Word in a format that’s acceptable to Bravo’s large population of fundamentalist Christian viewers.

10:00pm- Reunion: Twelve one hit wonder bands of old rockers who can’t stand each other but need the cash get back together and go on tour. Each week one band will break up all over again. Some deaths may occur.

Weekend schedule will be a rotation of reruns of all of the above, plus paid programming half hours featuring a recently deceased bearded shouting huckster pushing products you don’t need, but seem to work very well on camera, all of which cost only $19.95. But wait, there’s more! If you call in the next eleven minutes you can get TWO of something you don’t need!

You don't believe me? Tune in. Even if the titles are changed the content will remain the same.

The Recession's Reach

2009-08-17T15:18:00.009-04:00

Yes, hard times are being felt by all citizens. And by citizens, I mean citizens of everywhere. The economic downturn, as it has been euphemistically branded by politician and reporter alike, has reached far and wide. So far and so wide, that nobody is willing to give it any kind of border or limit.

Since this economic downturn has yet to be truly defined, I'm beginning to think of it in a more universal manner. It could very well be infinite. One could say that this has had galactic implications. In fact, as recently as this past Friday this writer has discovered evidence of just how far the recession's effect has reached.

My wife and I were walking our large hound, and ventured to the Union Square Green Market. This charming Manhattan venue is where you can pay full retail and even higher for farm-fresh items, trucked in from upstate New York and far-off places such as New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Local Manhattan residents and European tourists flock to this market, open every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, not counting Christmas Day and New Year's Day. The Union Square Green Market is a magnet for street artists, t-shirt sellers and musical buskers attempting to capitalize off the overflow crowd.

It was in this market where the extent of the recession was brought home to me, in living Technicolor. It seems that Boba Fett has been unable to successfully locate and capture any intergalactic criminals in such a long time, that he has been reduced to playing the accordion for spare change (see photographic evidence below).

It could very well be a sort of musical extortion- "Pay me or I'll play 'Lady of Spain' or 'Too Fat Polka!'"

This is how far we have fallen economically. It may not end there. How long before Boba Fett will be joined by Princess Leia? Mutt and Jeff? Elmer Fudd? Hell, even Bazooka Joe will not be immune!

And so I must plead to Congress, President Obama, The United Nations, and the World Bank! Save us! Save us all, even our fictional characters, from the ravages that have befallen us!

An Architecture Critique

2009-08-14T23:02:00.005-04:00

New York City has something I have not seen in any other city that I have been to or lived in. One cannot go far without encountering this item commonly referred to as a "Sidewalk Shed." That is the shorthand version, because to call it "scaffolding with reinforced decking to spare pedestrians the pain and suffering from falling bricks because the cheap bastard that owns the building won't fix the place up" doesn't quite roll off the tongue quite so easily.

Some of them are there for a limited time, while exterior work is being done on a building. There are others, however, that seem to have become a building's facade, a semi-permanent addition. I cannot believe that the Department of Buildings allows these things to stay in place without some kind of time limit. Some of them have been up for well over five years.

These hideously ugly, but utilitarian structures are ubiquitous on our crowded island. As I walk around my close by stomping grounds- Gramercy, Flatiron, Chelsea, Union Square, Murray Hill, The East Village, The West Village, Lower East Side, Chinatown, Little Italy, Battery Park, and Tribeca (Ok, I walk a lot. I have a big hound.) I come upon dozens of these, maybe over a hundred.

I wish I owned the scaffolding company. The rents on the gear must be unbelievable.

There are alternative uses for these structures. It does provide shelter from the rain for many homeless. And a private place to publicly urinate. The homeless almost have an excuse for this, since it can be hard to find a place to relieve oneself- but what's the excuse all those drunks are using? I'm pretty sure that an alternative purpose is not to catch and tear the sleeve of an expensive leather jacket as I walk by, damn it!

I truly have no alternative suggestion for these horrid eyesores. I know that some are there legitimately and will be gone soon. Maybe if someone made them with some kind of design flair, something to make them at least a little bit more visually acceptable. I'm not expecting visually pleasing. Just something that doesn't scream "I ASPIRE TO BE A PILE OF RUBBLE!"

It's just that I'm still pissed off about the jacket.

Reality Literature

2009-08-13T22:27:00.009-04:00

The length people will go to publicly humiliate themselves in exchange for cash and notoriety never ceases to amaze me. People will jump at the chance to appear on TV, especially if prizes are involved, even if they have to reveal that they were screwing their sister and her pet mynah bird.

Tell all books fall into this same category. I bring this up today because of the revelation in today's papers, generously supplied by John Murphy, a spokesman for St. Martin's Press, that Bernard Madoff was having an affair for twenty years. Mr. Murphy was made aware of this affair by Mrs. Sheryl Weinstein, the other half of the equation. Mrs. Weinstein is telling all, via a book about to be published by St. Martin's Press.

Mrs. Weinstein, it seems, was quite a catch for Mr. Madoff. She held the post of Chief Financial Officer for Hadassah, a very large charitable organization of Jewish women. Hadassah was one of the few outfits that profited from its relationship with Mr. Madoff, because they ended their financial relationship with Mr. Madoff when Mrs. Weinstein left her job.

Most men want a woman body and soul. Not Bernie. It seems that Mrs. Weinstein and her husband decided that the financial genius of Mr. Madoff warranted their continued fiduciary support. So, over about a dozen years, while Bernie was allegedly schtupping Mrs. Weinstein physically, he was also schtupping her checkbook. In the fairly recent past, Mr. and Mrs. Weinstein felt so confident in Mr. Madoff's financial prowess, they took out a second mortgage on their house and basically bet the farm on it. And so, the Weinsteins are now very poor. Poor as dirt? No. Poorer.

How will Mrs. Weinstein dig herself out of this financial mess? (fanfare music builds from pianissimo to fortissimo, punctuated by a cymbal crash) A TELL-ALL BOOK IS BORN!!!

She's calling it “Madoff’s Other Secret: Love, Money, Bernie, and Me.” She should call it "Bernie Madoff Screwed Me" but then, probably nobody would buy it. After all, "Bernie Madoff Screwed Me" is already a best selling bumper sticker in Scarsdale. Still, no matter what she names the book, I can't imagine the book will sell much, and she will have debased herself on talk shows and at book signings in Barnes & Noble and Border's outlets. It may well be that St. Martin's will be unable to get her too many high line bookings and she'll be having her book events at airport and train station news stands.

Ruth Madoff, suspected with complicity in her husband's financial wrongdoings, now must suffer the further indignity of her husband's publicly divulged infidelity on top of his spectacular dive from the heights: going from head of his highly ranked multi-billion dollar company directly into a 150 year sentence at the Butner Federal Correction Complex outside of Raleigh, NC. The Madoff's golden wedding anniversary is approaching. What will THAT party be like?

I, for one, would like to be on the guest list, just to experience such a shindig. I just wonder one thing- what would be an appropriate gift for this event?

How I Can Save New York City's Troubled Economy

2009-08-12T23:24:00.004-04:00

Day after day I hear the cries of our civic leaders about how broke our fair city has become. A hiring freeze at the Department of Education has been instituted, preventing this writer from full time employment in two schools that have expressed interest. Cutbacks at the MTA have closed ticket booths and laid off station workers. The NYPD, having cut a number of clerical positions, now has uniformed officers (who no doubt have better things to do) filing papers. Some FDNY firehouses are in danger of being shuttered, and unemployment is rising faster than sewage in a clogged toilet at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

I propose a simple change, easy to implement, that will raise the quality of life on many levels. Just two words: write tickets.

In nine years of New York City living I have heard dozens of times that traffic fines are being increased to make our streets safer, that dog poop fines are being increased to make our sidewalks cleaner, and that bridge and tunnel tolls are being increased to pay for the maintenance of our vital links to the world outside. What I have never seen- and I do mean never- is a police officer writing a ticket for anything other than illegal parking.

I have had to jump out of the way of speeding cars, seen people knocked down by bicycle messengers and food delivery people riding on the sidewalks, and seen thoughtless transgressions made by my fellow dog owners. What I haven't seen is someone being made to pay for these incidents that chip away at our quality of life.

Mr. Mayor: Hear me out! You can put people to work and not spend a dime! Well, OK, maybe it'll cost more than a dime, but you'll make so much money back you'll be happy to cough up the bulk rate postage that will be one of the only expenses. Have I caught your interest? Good. Here it is.

Run an ad that the city is looking for unemployed city residents who have video cameras, promising high commissions for easy work. Hundreds of people will come out of the woodwork. Put one at each major intersection. Tell them they will get a fifteen percent commission on each fine that is collected due to their evidence gathering.

At the intersections closest to my apartment building I see red lights disregarded. I see illegal turns. I see bicycles running people down and dogs eliminating. And I see this about a dozen times an hour. Multiply this over all the major intersections in Manhattan. The city would clean up, the camera people would be able to afford their outrageous rents, and money would be flowing. The hiring freezes could end. Potholes will be filled. Subway stations will be clean and rat-free (alright, that last part is pure fantasy, I admit).

One other thing- I've noticed that a disproportionate number of motor vehicle transgressors have New Jersey license plates. I propose a special New Jersey tax. Anyone driving over the G.W. or through the Lincoln or Holland tunnels with Jersey plates has to pay double, and all traffic tickets issued to cars with Jersey plates have their fines doubled. Just on general principal. Manhattan residents universally agree that a clear majority of interlopers from New Jersey are tacky, tasteless and vulgar. These bridge and tunnel people should be charged extra to enjoy our superior culture and inflated restaurant prices.

To quote the delightful and dearly departed Gilda Radner speaking as Rosanne Rosannadana: The foist ting ya gadda do is get outta New Jersey!

I'm sure, Mr. Mayor, you will agree with me that the implementation of this will go a long way to heal our monetary ills.

The Similarity Between the Press and Politicians

2009-08-11T13:09:00.008-04:00

Over many years of observation, it has come to my attention that whenever a politician or a tabloid "journalist" wants to demonize someone, there will be an inevitable Nazi comparison. If the person to be demonized is a president, prime minister or dictatorial despot they are graduated to a Hitler comparison.

This summer, members of the New York State Senate were accused of Nazi-like tactics by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, a nice Jewish boy from Boston. Since I am a nice Jewish boy from Chicago I can call Mayor Bloomberg a nice Jewish boy both verbally and in print, so stop it with your anti-Semite conclusion-jumping already!

I would like to correct my Ashkenazy cousin. The rank and file of the New York State Senate are not Nazis. They are much closer to being the Somali pirates. Today it was revealed that Bronx State Senator Pedro Espada Jr., leader of this summer's political coup in Albany, was able to secure his son a job, filling a position that did not previously exist, for a salary of $120,000.00 per year. When questioned about this, the senior Espada stated that his son was qualified to get this job that did not exist due to his extensive experience in both the public and private sectors.

This same state senator, frequently accused of being in violation of rules by living outside his district (a very nice home in Westchester county instead of a bungalow in the Bronx, and who can blame him? Well, me for starters). This is the state senator who jumped from the Democrats to the Republicans along with a buddy of his who was accused of spousal abuse, creating a month long impasse in Albany. This impasse was finally broken when senate Democrats accepted this putz as majority leader, prompting him to rejoin the Democratic party (like they really need this schmuck).

I was just trying to remember his state senate henchman, accused of cutting up his girlfriend's face with a broken highball glass (and being a good girlfriend she told police she fell face first on said glass). I asked my wife if she could remember the accused face-slicer's name. The following conversation took place:

Me: Remember the state senator who was accused of slicing up his girlfriend's face?
Her: Sliced up his girlfriend's face?
Me: Yeah, and then he became a Republican and helped Espada become senate majority leader?
Her: Yeah, wasn't he from Staten Island?
Me: I thought he was from Queens.
Her: Are you sure? I thought he was from Staten Island.
Me: No, he's from Queens.
Her: Look him up in Google.
Me: What would I search under?
Her: Just what you said to me- state senator spousal abuse, or maybe New York state senator spousal abuse.
Me: If I type that in, I'll get a thousand hits!

I go to Google search.

Me: You were right! Staten Island. Fossela! Oh, wait a minute- he was the guy who was pulled over for speeding and had the secret other spouse in Virginia- he was a U.S. Congressman, not a state senator. He wasn't a spouse abuser, he was a bigamist!
Her: Wait, was he married to both? No, I think he was just having an affair.
Me: Oh, yeah, you're right.
Her: He was a congressman? Oh, yeah, he was!

Also in the same search I find that 29 Congressmen have been accused of spousal abuse, seven have been arrested for fraud- WAIT A MINUTE! Are they talking about the U.S. Congress or the NFL? No, it must be Congress- the role models in the NFL have a much higher percentage of members with criminal rap sheets than the role models of Congress.

So, getting back to Nazis, I see in today's New York Times that an ex-Nazi officer, Josef Scheungraber (that's pronounced SHOIN-grabber, rhymes with groin grabber, a well known hip-hop dance pose) has been sentenced to life in prison for killing Italian non-combat citizens. The guy is 90. What's a life sentence to a 90 year-old man- two weeks? Thank God he didn't get away with it and justice was served.

Scheungraber is to serve his sentence as a Republican state senator from upstate Renesselaer County...

New News

2009-08-10T16:58:00.004-04:00

Since there's been precious little news on the professional front during this time of economic uncertainty, I have decided to change the thrust of this page. So, I am introducing...

ROB'S VIEW OF THE NEWS!

This will be both serious and satirical. Your job: figure out what is true and what is a joke.

Today's issue: Town Hall Meetings. It has come to my attention that people actually go to town hall meetings. There they put in their two cents worth of highly informed opinions such as- Government will make a list of which old people they are going to have knocked off for nonpayment of hospital bills, government will start deciding what age is old enough to be killed for not contributing to the profits of pharmaceutical companies, and my personal favorite- Sarah Palin's real next profession will be Tarot card reader in Jackson Square, New Orleans, LA.

These pearls of opinion are uttered by the same level-headed citizens who believe that President Obama was not really born in Hawaii, and even if he was, Hawaii is not really a state, but an outpost of Philippine communists.

Republicans appearing recently on "Real Time with Bill Maher" stated forcefully that it was not Republican operatives disrupting these town hall meetings. Today's New York Times revealed that this is indeed true. The people disrupting town hall meetings are actually hired proxies of pharmaceutical and insurance lobbyists.

Today's quiz: Is Hawaii an outpost of Philippine communists or are the people disrupting town hall meetings most likely hired goons of the pharmaceutical and insurance lobbies?