Saturday, January 02, 2010


More Overseas News

A few short days ago, this reporter penned (or rather tapped a keyboard) a piece about the President of Iran. The reaction to this work as been so extreme that it has become obvious that I should venture into the world of the foreign correspondent. By 'Foreign Correspondent' I am not talking about the excellent 1940 cinematic work of Alfred Hitchcock (though he is without a 'shadow of a doubt' my favorite director since I was 'young and innocent,' prompting me to make the 'thirty-nine steps' from the box office to the balcony of the Granada Theater, which stood 'north by northwest' from my Rogers Park apartment, visible from my 'rear window,' at the slightest hint of a Hitchcock screening that would send me into a 'frenzy'... but that's the subject of another column).

Yes, it's high time this highly profitable venture of mine send me abroad to gather facts on the international scene. In an effort to help out my country in this, its time of need, I'm going to start with Afghanistan.

It has come to my attention that something is happening there. These events have prompted the former Governor of Texas, and now U.S. President Barack Obama, to send uniformed troops to Afghanistan. The president there is a former high level executive of Unocal, the international conglomerate that started as an individual venture known as the Union Oil Company. Mr. Karzai was basically installed as President of Afghanistan by the American administration fronted by the former Governor of Texas, an organization with deep oil company ties.

A little history: Union Oil had a large string of filling stations named Union 76. Union 76 stations were all operated by character actor Richard X. Slattery under the name of 'Murph' and were named Union 76 by Unocal's PR department. They chose the name playing on a bizarre sense of patriotism that many Americans feel when they patronize a business that employs titles and slogans that evoke a subconscious sense of "the real America." I believe the next company to employ this tactic will probably be a reconstructed version of I.G. Farben, which will no doubt have a Bush or two on its board of directors, along with maybe a Mengele and a Goebbels.

Over the last weeks and months, in addition to my work at my other two jobs, I have put in many hours of research on the current situation in Afghanistan. I have a shocking revelation. Hamid Karzai is a puppet. This in and of itself may not be shocking to many readers. The real shocking part is that Hamid Karzai is actually a character being played by acclaimed actor Ben Kingsley. Both my wife and I immediately suspected this the first time we saw Mr. Karzai on CNN, and we have never seen Mr. Karzai and Mr. Kingsley in the same room.

This could explain why earlier today the parliament of Afghanistan rejected nearly all of the cabinet ministers nominated by Mr. Kingsley, I mean President Karzai. How could the parliament have faith in the nomination of say, the Minister of Agriculture in Charge of Poppy Fields or the Minister of Hashish, knowing that these ministers were nominated by an actor. Make no mistake- Mr. Kingsley is a high quality actor, much better than our fortieth president, but an actor none the less. If you want an actor that knows about such ministry positions as the Minister of Poppy Fields and the Minister of Hashish, you need an actor like Dennis Hopper or Gary Busey.

And so, dear readers, this reporter will be closely watching events unfold in central-west Asia. Due to my hectic work schedule and other obligations I will be forced to observe from a bit of a distance, however. There are a few very good Afghan restaurants a couple of blocks from here, and I hear that their bus boys have their fingers on the pulse of all things Afghan. I'll start with a comparative study of tabbouleh.
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