Tuesday, August 18, 2009

 

Fall TV Line-up on the Bravo Channel

I am now ready to admit that, like many other titans of sofa journalism which is also known as Starbuck's Coffee Shop and/or barroom punditry, I have a huge secret army of deep cover operatives. Go ahead, prove me wrong. You can't. So take my word for it and live a life looking over your shoulder.

One of these operatives has uncovered the upcoming programming list for the Bravo Channel, formerly a tasteful arts channel somewhat like Ovation TV, now attempting to re-brand itself as catering to a ten percent segment of American society that's growing in power and long established in buying power.

Anyone who questions the descriptions as tasteless and wishes to assail me with accusations of intolerance should know that this is a direct verbatim copy of the secured document.

Monday night:

8:00pm- Real Housewives of Butte, Montana: Five real housewives: Anne- auto mechanic to the Mayor, Julie, a Sunday school teacher with a dark secret, Cathy, saleswoman at Doc Brown’s marital aids, Mary-Beth, an aging biker chick with green teeth, and Velveeta, a transvestite.

9:00pm- Top Chef, Leavenworth. Premier episode with feature competition for best execution of lamb on a shank.

10:00pm- Guess Who’s Not Gay. Twelve metro-sexual men are evaluated by three judges- Former Senator Larry Craig, former Congressman Mark Foley and Carson Kressley. Contestants will be put through elimination challenges and viewers will vote weekly via text messaging. Last remaining contestant will win a cash prize and gets a makeover, a subscription to Muscle and Fitness and have his closets redone by designers from The Container Store.

Tuesday night:

8:00pm- Fashion Police, Special Victims Unit: A special detail based in New York’s Garment District busts people for buying designer knock-offs, uncovers sweat shops in Chinatown, and publicly ridicules tourists from Indiana for hideous taste.

9:00pm- Cute Puppies: That’s it. One hour of cute puppies. No plot, writers or paid cast needed.

10:00pm- Drags, Fag Hags and Bags: Women who tip the scales dish with drag queens, then swap clothes and go purse shopping.

Wednesday night:

8:00pm- Top Chef, Fort Bragg North Carolina: Premier episode will feature competition making creamed chipped beef on dry toast and a speed potato peeling challenge. Loser will have to mop the floor of all barrack latrines with his own toothbrush.

9:00pm- Book Beat: The editorial staffs of The National Review and The Nation dress as pro wrestlers and assault each other, using the Encyclopaedia Britannica as bludgeoning instruments.

10:00pm- The Blue Collar Matchmaker: Premier episode dedicated to finding an attractive storefront hairdresser for Joe Sixpack, a commonly referenced plumber and TV political loudmouth.

Thursday night:

8:00pm- Boarding School: A fun-filled hour of obnoxious snot-nosed over-privileged brats that you just want to throttle. First episode has brats creating a game out of belittling school kitchen staff for points.

9:00pm- Project Resale: Contestants are let loose in a Salvation Army store, and vie to obtain an entire wardrobe for under $50. Winner each week gets an extra $15 to spend.

10:00pm- Reruns of old Kathy Griffin shows.

Friday night:

8:00pm- Top Chef: Burger World. Contestants take things out of the freezer and deep fry them. Other contestants operate the shake machine and measure ice cubes.

9:00pm- Censored and Pixilated: Rebroadcasts of Taxicab Confessions and The L Word in a format that’s acceptable to Bravo’s large population of fundamentalist Christian viewers.

10:00pm- Reunion: Twelve one hit wonder bands of old rockers who can’t stand each other but need the cash get back together and go on tour. Each week one band will break up all over again. Some deaths may occur.

Weekend schedule will be a rotation of reruns of all of the above, plus paid programming half hours featuring a recently deceased bearded shouting huckster pushing products you don’t need, but seem to work very well on camera, all of which cost only $19.95. But wait, there’s more! If you call in the next eleven minutes you can get TWO of something you don’t need!

You don't believe me? Tune in. Even if the titles are changed the content will remain the same.
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