Wednesday, August 12, 2009

 

How I Can Save New York City's Troubled Economy

Day after day I hear the cries of our civic leaders about how broke our fair city has become. A hiring freeze at the Department of Education has been instituted, preventing this writer from full time employment in two schools that have expressed interest. Cutbacks at the MTA have closed ticket booths and laid off station workers. The NYPD, having cut a number of clerical positions, now has uniformed officers (who no doubt have better things to do) filing papers. Some FDNY firehouses are in danger of being shuttered, and unemployment is rising faster than sewage in a clogged toilet at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

I propose a simple change, easy to implement, that will raise the quality of life on many levels. Just two words: write tickets.

In nine years of New York City living I have heard dozens of times that traffic fines are being increased to make our streets safer, that dog poop fines are being increased to make our sidewalks cleaner, and that bridge and tunnel tolls are being increased to pay for the maintenance of our vital links to the world outside. What I have never seen- and I do mean never- is a police officer writing a ticket for anything other than illegal parking.

I have had to jump out of the way of speeding cars, seen people knocked down by bicycle messengers and food delivery people riding on the sidewalks, and seen thoughtless transgressions made by my fellow dog owners. What I haven't seen is someone being made to pay for these incidents that chip away at our quality of life.

Mr. Mayor: Hear me out! You can put people to work and not spend a dime! Well, OK, maybe it'll cost more than a dime, but you'll make so much money back you'll be happy to cough up the bulk rate postage that will be one of the only expenses. Have I caught your interest? Good. Here it is.

Run an ad that the city is looking for unemployed city residents who have video cameras, promising high commissions for easy work. Hundreds of people will come out of the woodwork. Put one at each major intersection. Tell them they will get a fifteen percent commission on each fine that is collected due to their evidence gathering.

At the intersections closest to my apartment building I see red lights disregarded. I see illegal turns. I see bicycles running people down and dogs eliminating. And I see this about a dozen times an hour. Multiply this over all the major intersections in Manhattan. The city would clean up, the camera people would be able to afford their outrageous rents, and money would be flowing. The hiring freezes could end. Potholes will be filled. Subway stations will be clean and rat-free (alright, that last part is pure fantasy, I admit).

One other thing- I've noticed that a disproportionate number of motor vehicle transgressors have New Jersey license plates. I propose a special New Jersey tax. Anyone driving over the G.W. or through the Lincoln or Holland tunnels with Jersey plates has to pay double, and all traffic tickets issued to cars with Jersey plates have their fines doubled. Just on general principal. Manhattan residents universally agree that a clear majority of interlopers from New Jersey are tacky, tasteless and vulgar. These bridge and tunnel people should be charged extra to enjoy our superior culture and inflated restaurant prices.

To quote the delightful and dearly departed Gilda Radner speaking as Rosanne Rosannadana: The foist ting ya gadda do is get outta New Jersey!

I'm sure, Mr. Mayor, you will agree with me that the implementation of this will go a long way to heal our monetary ills.
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