Monday, August 31, 2009
A New Role for Mr. Warm & Cuddly
In today’s New York Times and, I am quite confident in writing, many other news outlets, was another angry statement from the former congressman from Wyoming, Defense Secretary for George H.W. Bush (a.k.a. Bush 41), and Vice President of the bloodless coup of 2000.
Other than the recent phenomena of Al Gore, Vice Presidents that aren't running for the top spot usually fade off. Dan Quayle is a subject of annual “where are they now” columns. This man has been running his mouth so much, there is a FaceBook club dedicated to telling him to shut the hell up.
Sunday morning on Fox News, Dick Cheney went on at length about how C.I.A. officers should be allowed to use a “full range of interrogation techniques” and that officers who “strayed outside Justice Department rules of interrogation” should be afforded legal protection because they worked in good faith to protect American lives.
These techniques included not only water boarding, but threatening prisoners with a gun and a drill, and hanging them by their hands tied behind their backs. Some other, even less charming techniques employed included threats to sexually assault family members of prisoners. Over and over again it has been proven that someone being tortured will pretty much say anything that they think their captors want to hear in order to stop the torture. These statements are not used in court because they are not reliable as truth.
It seems that Dick Cheney’s new occupation is that of meddler. This man is obviously bored and needs something to do. I have something else for him to do, something that he is most eminently qualified to do, and do convincingly.
I have been observing Mr. Cheney for over twenty-five years. As he ages, Mr. Cheney more and more resembles Max Schreck in his most famous role, Count Orlok in “Nosferatu, a Symphony of Terror.” Some speculate that he was bitten by a mosquito involved in a nuclear accident, just as Peter Parker was bitten by a spider in similar circumstances. Of course by ‘some’ I mean me, for the purposes of this scholarly, highly respected research periodical.
Mr. Cheney should join the cast of True Blood. He’s perfect for it. He already sleeps in a coffin with dirt imported from Transylvania.
Other than the recent phenomena of Al Gore, Vice Presidents that aren't running for the top spot usually fade off. Dan Quayle is a subject of annual “where are they now” columns. This man has been running his mouth so much, there is a FaceBook club dedicated to telling him to shut the hell up.
Sunday morning on Fox News, Dick Cheney went on at length about how C.I.A. officers should be allowed to use a “full range of interrogation techniques” and that officers who “strayed outside Justice Department rules of interrogation” should be afforded legal protection because they worked in good faith to protect American lives.
These techniques included not only water boarding, but threatening prisoners with a gun and a drill, and hanging them by their hands tied behind their backs. Some other, even less charming techniques employed included threats to sexually assault family members of prisoners. Over and over again it has been proven that someone being tortured will pretty much say anything that they think their captors want to hear in order to stop the torture. These statements are not used in court because they are not reliable as truth.
It seems that Dick Cheney’s new occupation is that of meddler. This man is obviously bored and needs something to do. I have something else for him to do, something that he is most eminently qualified to do, and do convincingly.
I have been observing Mr. Cheney for over twenty-five years. As he ages, Mr. Cheney more and more resembles Max Schreck in his most famous role, Count Orlok in “Nosferatu, a Symphony of Terror.” Some speculate that he was bitten by a mosquito involved in a nuclear accident, just as Peter Parker was bitten by a spider in similar circumstances. Of course by ‘some’ I mean me, for the purposes of this scholarly, highly respected research periodical.
Mr. Cheney should join the cast of True Blood. He’s perfect for it. He already sleeps in a coffin with dirt imported from Transylvania.
